AMomTwoBoys

1) You may have noticed in my last post that there was some “colorful” language. Following this post, you probably weren’t expecting it. Well, guess what I realized people?! Dylan’s 2- HE CAN’T READ, so I can type all the swear words I want! Fuckin A I Can!

2) I’ve had several REALLY important posts about my current, inexplicable obsession with October Road. I missed the second episode of the second season and was pretty distraught (okay, I might be exaggerating a bit). But, I am sure that you will all be happy to know that ABC has full length episodes available on their website. And, they’re FREE!

3) Re: my trial run with the Eco-Friendly diapers available at Target. My feelings can be summed up in one word: EH?! They’re okay. Just okay. They’re certainly comparable to the name brands by way of absorption. In fact, Zach’s “explosions” were somewhat milder w/the eco-friendly brand. BUT, and there is a but, they’re not as cozy. And when it comes to something that is going to surround my baby’s tushie and special parts on a 24/7 basis, it needs to be pretty damn cozy. Also, there’s not stretch to the tabs so they cut into his chubby little thighs. So, I’d buy them again, but I prefer the softer, cuddlier earth ruining diapers. I’ll just start being WAY better about recycling.

4) I’m sick of hearing about politics and we’re only at the VERY beginning of the craziness. I’m curious about how you all feel. SO, I’ve posted a poll to the right (over there —>). Let me know who you’d vote for given ONLY these 6 choices.

The original title for this post was going to be “Karma can really be a Bitch Sometimes,” but, since it’s a post about Christmas I thought I might try to actually IMPROVE my Karma and not call it a Bitch, especially since it is in regards to Christmas…who would be foolish enough to willfully challenge their Christmas Karma? NOT ME, NO SIREE.

So, it goes something like this…

Remember that other post, the one the other day where at the very end I was all “Take that neighbors…I beat you to putting up Christmas lights since I just left mine up from last year. Ha Ha, you guys all suck, I’m the Queen of All Things Christmas, I didn’t even have to lift a finger except to plug in the extension cord. I’m the best, blah, blah, blah, blah”. Well…1/2 of the freakin lights didn’t even work. And not just one of the two strings. NO, that would have been TOO easy. 1/2 of the lights on EACH of the strings didn’t work. SO, both strings had to be replaced. Sucks, right? WELL…in my infinite wisdom, I figured I’d just hang the new lights on the gutter clips that were existing from last year. Then, when THIS Christmas is over, I could just take down ALL the lights in one fell swoop. Um…yeah. Not so much. The damn gutter clips were so brittle from being outside all year that they all just broke immediately upon being touched. SO, my original plan didn’t work and I had to take all the old lights down and THEN hang the new ones.

It was also ridiculously warm out today while I was hanging (or re-hanging) lights. Nothing puts me in the Christmas spirit like 70 degree weather and sweating while putting out decorations. And I’m sure there are some of you out there who are thinkging “Oh, Gosh…POOR BABY, it’s WARM while she puts up Christmas lights. It’s like, 17 degrees outside MY house right now, and I’m supposed to feel bad for her little ass sitting out there in California being too WARM.” Well, to that I say SUCK IT. You know why? It’s CHRISTMAS, people. CHRISTMAS. It’s supposed to be cold and snowy and I’m supposed to be in flannel pajamas, wrapped in a blanket and drinking hot chocolate (with Peppermint Schnapps, of course). There’s even a famous song AND a movie, sung by and starring a famous person, ABOUT having a cold, snowy Christmas. It’s called “White Christmas” and its Bing Crosby. If Bing Crosby says so, then CLEARLY, IT’S SUPPOSED TO SNOW AT CHRISTMAS. Not be 70 and sunny.

Moving on…I also made a big switch this year. I put up COLORED lights. Ever since I can remember, I’ve been opposed to colored lights. I’m not sure why, because I like them on other people’s houses, I just never wanted them on MINE. MY house would always have WHITE lights. WHITE lights are classy and pretty. Colored lights are for frat houses and pizza joints. Just kidding, but for some reason I never wanted colored lights. Now, everytime Dylan sees a house with colored lights he gets REALLY excited. He likes the houses with white lights, but he responds much better to houses with colored lights. Of course, our house has to KICK all the other houses ASSES, so it MUST have lights that will make a 2 year old shriek with glee. Now, it does.

I think I’ll probably stick with white lights on the tree, though. I can only do so much people. It’s like my dislike of fake Christmas trees. I’m not opposed to them in principle. I just think that there’s nothing like a REAL tree. The look, the smell, the imperfection of it. That’s Christmas to me. This belief is fairly strong and has actually led to my FORBIDDING my mother from buying a fake tree. Because BY GOD, my children will NEVER wake up Christmas morning in a house with a FAKE CHRISTMAS TREE. (Side Note: I sound like I’m a lot of fun to be around on Christmas, don’t I?!)

Which brings me back to the time that my StepDad (who did not have that “official” title at the time) brought a Christmas tree to our house as a surprise. Bless his heart, he thought he was doing this really nice thing that would bring lots of Christmas Cheer to us. Well…needless to say, I was REALLY upset that I hadn’t been able to go and pick out the tree myself. How old was I, you ask? You’re thinking I must have been 9, 10 maybe? NO-I was almost 18. I think I broke his heart that night. OMG, I was so UPSET and NOT at all as appreciative as I should have been. But, for reasons I won’t go into right now, that was a rough Christmas and picking out the tree would have been one thing to give it SOME sense of normalcy.*

So, back to my Christmas lights outside. I bought this little set of cheap, dopey plastic Snowflake lights. I don’t know what posessed me to buy them, except that I think Dylan will appreciate them. Anyway, the box says something like “Amazing display will be the envy of your neighborhood”. Well, people, if these things are the envy of your neighborhood, you need to move. Or, at the very least, get some new neighbors.

I’ll get some pictures this weekend after I finish stage 2- deadheading my Hydrangeas out front and putting more (colored) lights on them. I’m afraid if I don’t remove the dead blooms first, they’ll ignite when the intense heat of the lights hits them. It’s only supposed to be 60 out, so I might even have to wear a sweatshirt!

*Um…we’re probably thinking the same thing- the original title of this post should have been:
“I can really be a Bitch Sometimes” :0)

Dylan wants a grilled cheese sandwich, so I’m off to mom duty. More to come later. I’m sure you’ll be waiting with baited breath.

Did I say I spent 7 hours watching October Road reruns..that was a, um, typo.

I ACTUALLY spent my weekend reading to blind children & bottle feeding motherless puppies.

Whew…I’m glad I got that cleared up. How embarassing would it be if people thought I spent my ENTIRE weekend watching a cheesy primetime “drama”.

Blind children, people. And motherless puppies. THAT’s what I spend my free time doing.

OMG…I’m going to scream. I spent this ENTIRE weekend getting caught up on October Road. SEVEN (7) hours of my time were spent sitting on my couch watching the ENTIRE first season and episode 1 of this season and do you know what?! The damn second episode didn’t tape on Monday night! It’s gone…my DVR has failed me.

Now I’m off to search the internet for recaps of the show.

THEN, I’ll clean. I promise.

NO…not THAT kind. I need for someone to invent something that can attach to a Co-Sleeper and vibrate it for me. So that I don’t have to lie next to it, with my foot on the edge, and shake it. WHY, you ask, would I need to this?

Because, Zach HAS to be moving to fall asleep. That’s why the swing is so popular in our house. That’s why, when we’re at “work” I contort into awful positions so that I can use my leg to “bounce” his seat, which is behind me while I sit at the desk. That’s why, when we’re at GP & Poppy’s house I spend an inordinate amount of time in the Glider, or, as was necessary yesterday, I sat on the couch and jiggled his (regular) Boppy until he fell into a sound slumber. That’s why, a la Britney, I run red lights when we’re in the car*. Because if we stop, he’ll wake up and fuss.

I’m sure this is all my fault. I’m sure that when he was a newborn, I discovered that movement lulled him into precious sleep and I totally exploited it. Hell, I would have done ANYTHING to get him to sleep while Dylan was napping, simply so that I could nap too. Now, I’m paying for it. I’m being punished by the universe for exploiting my son’s weaknesses. He could’t resist the Newborn Lounger, so I used it, shamelessly, for a good night’s sleep. He couldn’t resist the constant, back and forth movement of the “Magic” swing, so I used it, again shamelessly, to get a few good minutes of daytime shuteye myself.

Last night, I paid. I paid big time. I made the decision to start “making” him sleep flat on his back. (I make it sound like it’s some sort of baby torture) No more Newborn Lounger at night. SO, do you know what happened? I ended up being awake half the night jiggling my foot against his co-sleeper in an effort to get him to fall asleep, and more importantly, STAY asleep. OMG, it seemed like I jiggled FOR HOURS. It probably wasn’t, but it seemed like it. And from the state of my brain today, it certainly had some sort of effect.

SO, if any of you know of any vibrating thingy-majiggy that will allow me to sleep tonight instead of being a personal vibrater (that sounds really bad, doesn’t it?!), I’d love it if you would let me know. ASAP. My sanity would appreciate it.

*I do not actually run red lights. At least on purpose. Although, my brain is so fried right now that I think I will spend today as a shut-in so as to avoid causing any traffic accidents or being cited for any traffic violations.

Does “Bite Me” count as swearing? Hmmm…that would severely limit my vocabulary.

Okay…I did it. For some f’ing reason, that was the hardest post ever. I don’t know exactly WHY, but it took me, like, 3 hours and 3 glasses of Iced tea (could that have been the problem?!) to get that damn (DOH!) DARN thing up and running. Now, I need a glass of wine. A BIG ONE.

The irony of this here post is lost to all (ha, two) of you readers. BUT, if and when I EVER manage to get some videos uploaded to the F*$@ing internet, you will understand.

There, I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening. Sorry mom. :0)

Okay…so, I have a potty mouth. It’s my one vice (well, that and wine). I say bad words ALL the time. I’ve never smoked a cigarette, I didn’t drink until I turned 21, I’ve never pillaged or murdered anyone. But, I say bad words. I think I’m going to have to stop. Oh MY LORD, I have to stop swearing! What the fudge am I going to do? See?! That sounds fudging stupid! What the freckles am I going to do? Oh Sugar. You should HEAR the thoughts running through my head right now. When I yell at my husband (which happens VERY RARELY*), it’s not going to have the same effect. Oh, and the dog? “Dag-Nammit Tahoe!” just doesn’t sound as threatening. I’m not sure though, what he hears, being a dog and all.

It’s like this old FarSide cartoon:

Ha! I love Gary Larson.

This is the one that I think about everytime an animal runs in front of my car:

But, I digress.

I knew once I had kids that the day would come where they would start repeating what I say, like it or not. A few times, Dylan has immediately repeated something he’s heard. Like:

Mommy drops a plate: “Oh, Shit!”
Dylan: “Oh, Sit”

Mommy breaks a nail: “CRAP!”
Dylan: “CWAP” (a la “Reba”…I miss that show)

But last night, after spending the entire long weekend outside w/Daddy (who is also known to drop a few (or a thousand-& I am NOT, I repeat NOT blaming him entirely) “F” Bombs every now and then we heard this (Mom: Turn your computer volume UP NOW):

Oh My God…did he just say that? He was watching DJ play “Chess Titans” on the computer (another exciting night at our house). One of DJ’s guys got captured and out of the blue, without hearing it from one of us, he says it. “Oh Fudk”. Instead of reprimanding him I immediately grabbed the camera to try to get it on film. Is that bad parenting? Well, of course as soon as I started recording he said it, AGAIN. Then he started to tell DJ HOW to play Chess Titans, which was funny, so I kept recording. Let me know if you’d like for me to translate for you. I know it’s dark & hard to see, but you’re listenting people, LISTENING.

Oy…Son of A Gun (?)…I’m going to TRY to stop swearing. I say TRY because I know it won’t happen completely, but I’ll do my best.

On another topic, he went outside today to play with Tahoe and when I looked out there he was using his shovel to pick up dog poop. Of course, I had to video that too. He’s full of funny things to say now- in complete sentences. At least he calls it Tahoe Poop instead of Tahoe Shit, er Shpoop, right? That will happen soon enough, I’m sure.

Since I haven’t written anything about Zach yet…he LAUGHED last night. LAUGHED! It was so cute and adorable and all the gushy things that my older child saying “fudk” is not. It kind of started out sounding like he was trying to poop, but it turned into a laugh. Pretty appropriate given that his smiles start out as frowns. My kids are weird. I’ll try to get it on video so you all can enjoy that too.

Oh, and I’m trying out Target’s new brand of eco-friendly diapers. Only on Zach, though b/c I’m pretty sure we’d have a huge disaster if I tried them on Dylan, and as I noted here and here, disasters w/Zach are a common occurance and are MUCH smaller and LESS smelly than a Dylan Disaster would be. I’ll let you all know what I think…I’m sure you’ll be checking back frequently to find out. But, so far so good…they’re cheaper than the other ones we’ve been using-$10 for 40 as opposed to $10 for 30. Diapers are flocking expensive. No, that doesn’t work either.

*Oh yeah–I lie too, apparently. Just add that to my list of vices:

1) Wine

2) Lying

3) Swearing (It’s been downgraded to 3 & if you need to know why, re-read this post you knucklehead)

P.S.- I totally changed my post times around so that it would all kind of make sense, but I think it might just be more confusing…whatever. I’m leaving it alone now. PUT THE COMPUTER DOWN…