Jennifer wrote this post the other day, which mirrored my life and inspired me to write a post of my own…

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. More importantly, to be a stay at home mom. To spend my days playing with, cuddling with, laughing with, and ENJOYING my kids. To be there for every smile, tear, spit up, first step, first word. I couldn’t imagine sending my kids to daycare and PAYING someone else to be there for each new milestone.

And I love what I do. I know that I’m lucky. I know that, even on the worst days at home, that I’d still take it over going to a 9-5 job. Or even a 9-1 job. I’d gladly change every stinky, messy diaper, put up with every crappy attitude, and wipe every snotty nose.

But I do it 24/7, 365 days a year. I rarely get a break. MAYBE once every few months I go to Mom’s Night Out with my MOMs Club friends, for a few hours. Occasionally I have lunch in Santa Barbara withsome of my girlfriend’s and my mother-in-law watches one, or both, of the kids. But that’s it. Other than those few outings, my life is CONSUMED with my children, my husband and my house. Making dinner, vacuuming, laundry, sweeping, cleaning the bathrooms. And that’s what is expected of me. That’s what my JOB is, and I get it. But sometimes I need a break.

Anytime anything like this comes up, DJ says “But this is what you WANTED. You WANT to stay home. To be a mom.” And YES, that’s true and I wouldn’t change it for anything, but if I’d always dreamed of being a pilot or a dancer, I’d still get days off. Breaks. Vacation time. And I’d relish them. I wouldn’t be expected to be on call ALL THE TIME. Every moment. And if I were, I certainly wouldn’t be expected to always enjoy it.

This IS what I wanted. This IS what I’ve always dreamed of. But not at the expense of losing myself. Not at the expense of becoming someone who lives only to take care of her husband and her children.

Being a stay at home mom is rewarding. It’s fulfilling in it’s own right. But vacuuming up scads of dog hair and mopping the floors isn’t what I’ve always dreamed of doing. It simply comes with the territory. I do it because that’s what is implicitly expected of someone who stays home. But that’s not what is PERCEIVED. Talk to certain people and they’ll go on and on about the fact that, as a stay at home mom, we get to sit on the couch and eat bon-bons all day. We get to play, to relax all day. NO STRESS HERE! What do WE have to worry about, making it to our KinderMusik class on time? Really! Come on! It’s not hard! You GET TO STAY HOME. You don’t have to WORK. To bring in MONEY. THAT’S HARD. Being a Mom isn’t HARD. It’s not WORK. It’s not STRESSFUL. It’s playing with kids all day long. IT IS A VACATION.

But they don’t take into account the TIME and EFFORT put into cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, taking out the trash, doing the dishes, scrubbing the sink, cleaning out the fridge, cooking dinner, shopping for groceries, putting groceries away, paying bills, worrying about bills, doing laundry, folding laundry, putting laundry away, changing diapers, feeding kids, cleaning up after feeding kids, cleaning up after EVERYONE, worrying about kids, getting the oil changed, scheduling and going to Dr.’s appts, bathing children…the list goes on and on.

Most of this arises form the fact that it’s killing me that I can’t go to BlogHer. KILLING. ME. A few days away, to meet, hang out with and connect with all you awesome ladies I’ve met over the past 7 months. A few days to unwind, to not have to change a diaper, prepare a bottle (maybe a drink or two!), or help someone pee on the potty (hopefully). A few days about ME. And why can’t I go? Because I can’t justify taking DJ’s hard earned money and spending it on something related to blogging. I can’t come up with a good enough explanation as to why he should go to work to make money so that I can spend it to go on a trip, by myself. Because the excuse “But it will be SO GOOD for networking! For meeting people! For plugging AllMediocre, which, in the long run, MIGHT just make us some money!” doesn’t seem good enough. I don’t bring any money in for our family. And that puts me in an awkward position. I manage our finances, since I’m the one paying the bills, depositing the paycheck and making sure everything’s kosher, but I don’t have CONTROL over them. I can’t decide I’m going to go to Vegas on a whim. Both because I have two children to look after and because I can’t take the money from the family pot without an overwhelming sense of guilt. Because I didn’t EARN any of it.

So, what’s a girl to do? I’m going to buy myself a few nice bottles of wine and save them to drink July 17th – 20th. And I’m not going to feel guilty about it.

*PS, I CAN NOT come up with a title, so I figured I’d just leave it blank for now.  Any ideas?

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