AMomTwoBoys

That was GOING to be the title of this post, because I thought I had herpes, but then I looked it up on WebMd and I don’t.  So, we’re not actually going to be talking about VD, but I liked the title so much I thought I’d keep it.  I mean, it’s catchy, right? 

And HERPES?!  Say Wha?  Herpes Simplex Virus 1, to be exact.  Mouth Herpes.  Or, as I like to refer to them, Mother Fucking Canker Sores.  But apparently, canker sores aren’t herpes.  Fever blisters?  Yes.  Canker sores?  No.  So, I DON’T have herpes, but I do have canker sores.  Which I’m pretty sure I can attribute to stress.  And Zach. 

Actually, Zach for two reasons.  One, the fact that he head butted me in the mouth and split my lip open, leading to canker sore Numero Uno.  And the serious amount of stress the boy had me under last week, leading to the inflammation of canker sore Number Uno and the creation of canker sore Numero Dos. 

Numero Uno is on the inside of my lip, right at the top of my bottom row of teeth.  I’ve got that Meg Ryan/Melanie Griffiths/Britney Spears puffed up lip look going on.  It’s really quite unattractive.  Number Dos is on the side of my tongue and makes me talk like I have…issues. 

Like, seriously, I was trying to avoid talking to people yesterday because I sound so funny (and it hurts like a bitch) but then the internet and phones went down at the shop so I had to call and talk to people on the phone for an HOUR and then we went glasses shopping for Zach, and you’re kind of required to talk while doing that.  So my plan didn’t work and I think that people thought it was nice that someone so “special” was handling all these issues.  I felt like I was going to get a pat on the head and an ice cream cone.  I didn’t.  But an ice cream cone would have been yummy.  It was hot yesterday.

And while our search for baby glasses was a wild goose chase for most of the day, we hit the jackpot at the LAST, and furthest away, place we went.  After trying on NUMEROUS pairs of baby glasses, which I wish I could share with you because most of them reminded me of someone’s elderly Aunt Rose and were a TOTAL crack up, we finally found a few pairs that could possibly be put in the “Meh” “Cool” Category.  If glasses on a baby can be considered cool, ever.   

We’re getting these exact glasses, one size smaller.  And as I look at this picture they seem like they’re going to be WAY too big, but when I think about how AWFUL the rest of the glases were, I’m willing to put up with too big.  Seriously.  I can’t even really begin to tell you how insanely horrible the selection is for babies glasses.  But I’ll share the pictures with you when I get my other computer back and can upload them.  It’s a hoot.  You’re gonna laugh.  And if any of you have dreams of becoming rich & famous, start designing CUTE infant sized frames and you’ll make your dreams come true.  You just have to share some of your fortune with me.

And that concludes our lesson about VD…and infant glasses.  Who woulda thought I could intermingle those two subjects?!  And so successfully at that.

And I realize I’m blending idioms, or euphamisms, or whatever the hell you’d call those sayings (anyone?  anyone?).  I tried to wikipedia it, but I got so confused after about the third sentence that I gave up. 

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that this has been a LONG week.  The fact that I was exhausted (and maybe still hungover?) from being in San Francisco didn’t help, and it was just one thing after another ALL. WEEK. LONG.  Both good & bad. 

First let me start by saying THANK YOU to everyone who gave me a big virtual hug in regards to my post on Zach and his apparent eye problems.  There were a lot of tears this week, and a good bit of them were caused by your outpouring of support.  I love me some internets and you guys gave me great perspective.

We went to the Pediatric Ophthalmologist on Thursday morning, and he basically confirmed what the Optometrist had told us on Tuesday.  So, on Monday we’re heading over to an optical shop to pick out some nifty frames for baby Zach.  While the vain, superficial part of me wants to get him some cute little wire frames, the practical side of me, which is usually NOT very persuasive, realizes that I need to get him some sturdy (read: hard to break) plastic frames.  That look something like this:

So, until I’m comfortable enough to think that he won’t pull them off constantly, he’ll look something like this:

Which is much cuter and easier to deal with than what I was thinking he’d look like earlier in the week.  If you remember.  And while it still kills me everytime I think of covering up his beautiful blue eyes with glasses, especially of the uber thick, coke bottle variety lenses, I realize that it’s really what’s best for him.  Especially as his crossed eyes (or accomodative esotropia) seems to be getting worse as the week has progressed.  Glasses will completely correct that situation.  And let me tell you, it’s pretty pathetic.  Pretty freakin’ pathetic.

On top of all this, my computer crashed (NOT the one I won at BlogHer, which I’m typing on right now) so I haven’t had much access to email or pictures, or any of the information I had stored for the Great AllMediocre Giveaway of ‘08.  I don’t know if anyone has asked to be added to AM, or if anyone has emailed me at that address.  I can get, but not send, emails on my amomtwoboys account, so that’s something.  If you’ve emailed me and I haven’t responded, please don’t hold it against me.  If you’ve asked to be added to AM and haven’t been, don’t hold that against me either.  Nerds to the Rescue are supposed to come to my rescue on Monday and hopefully I’ll be back up and running.  In the meantime, if any of you can give me a lesson on setting up Outlook on two computers without totally fucking it up, I’d greatly appreciate it. 

AND, I have a RAGING sinus-y cold.  I’m not sure which one of you BlogHer bitches gave it to me, but if I ever figure it out I’m going to hunt you down and…I’m not sure what.  But it’s going to be BAD and you should be AFRAID.  Very afraid.  My nose is running, and completely stuffed at the same time, my eyes are watering, my head is stuffy…it’s very unpleasant.  And makes me very crabby.  And OH SO tired.  So very tired. 

On a good note, we got Dylan & Zach’s swingset finished today, which has produced MANY an excited giggle and shriek of joy from Dylan.  So that’s been fun.  I’d share photos and videos with you, but I don’t have this computer set up for that and frankly, I don’t feel like spending the time doing it.  I know you’re crushed.

I also got to make real life hang out plans with two of my new favorite people.  I’m sure you’re sick of hearing about them, which is stupid because they’re AWESOME, so I won’t tell you who it is…I’lljusttypethatit’stheSpohrsreallyfastandthenyouwon’tcare.  And I know you’re totally freakin’ jealous.  Bwah ha ha ha ha!

And!  We “won” a trip to Disneyland!  All we have to do to claim our “winnings” is attend an hour and a half long presentation.  For a timeshare.  It’s really AMAZING how lucky we are, isn’t it?  But we’re totally going to do it, because HELLO, free trip to DISNEYLAND!  How fun is that? 

Once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support this week.  I really can’t even begin to tell you how much it’s meant to me.  And you can bet your little asses that I’ll put a picture up as soon as Zach’s got his glasses. 

This is drafted post numero dos about BlogHer.  You might not ever even see this.  I might end up with BlogHer Post v76.0.  I’m having a ton of trouble coming up with a way to tell you about it that makes sense.  That conveys my actual feelings. 

That tells you about all the idiotic things I did, like light my hair on fire, getting myself told off by a homeless man, allowing another homeless man lead me on a wild goose chase for an ATM (HI Meghan, JUST WALK AWAY), stealing dirt from Guy Kawasaki, getting lost leaving Macy’s (WHO does that?), but that also appropriately explains to you how AWESOME it was.

So, I’ll just start with some of the fun stuff and then I’ll get all sappy (not Mooshy, I’ll get to her in a minute)…

• I set my hair on fire the FIRST night.  I leaned over to take a picture with Amy in Ohio, at the bar no less (go figure), and my hair fell into a candle.  No harm, no foul.  Except for the stench of burnt hair that followed me around for the rest of the night.  Now THAT was foul.
• I had many a run in with homeless men.  Jennifer and Bri were with me when we got bitched out by one.  Apparently we’re worthless whore bitches. Which is really too bad for Bri, because she didn’t know Jennifer or I before Saturday and there she was being lumped in with us.  Poor Bri.
• I almost wet myself at dinner at Scala’s on Friday night.  Scala’s is a bit of a classy joint and I’m sure that they’re regretting letting a bunch of crazy (semi)-drunk Blogger women into their restaurant.  It was after the event at Ruby Skye, which is funny because that was by are the best food we’d had.  Anyhoo, it was the usual suspects, Amy, Susan (and a friend of hers), Shannanb, Casey, Jennifer, Jenniferand me.  We were having a lovely conversation about Mormon sex (don’t ask) when Casey said something about Hasidic Jew sex (don’t ask, cause I can’t remember the specifics) that just sent me over the edge.  I laughed so hard I cried.  If you care to see what that looks like, you can go here.  I guess you had to be there, but trust me it was FUNNY.
• I “stole” a bag of dirt from Guy Kawasaki’s house.  (I plan on giving it away on the Great AllMediocre Giveaway of ‘08)  Although I use the term “stole” very loosely, because Guy himself was in full support of my antics and even autographed the bag.  I got a lot of strange looks as the dirt was being scooped.  Some people just don’t get me. 
• It was like college again, when, on the final night, we partied in our room until 2am after the Cheeseburger Party  got busted.  (Yes, you read that correctly)  It was actually kismet because we ran into the world famous Heather & MikeSpohr in the elevator and they joined Headless Mom, Andrea and I back in our room for wine.  Eventually Casey & Kim found their way to us too. 
• I got to meet other awesome ladies as well.  JCK, MerlotMom, Mama Ginger Tree, Lara, Jenny, Debba, Pat, Gudrun, Stefanie, Loralee, Mrs. Flinger, Kellan, OHMommy and Christine.

So now we’ll move onto the other part of BlogHer.  Aside from the crazy stories that I’m not tiring of telling, but I’m sure my friends & family are sick of hearing, there was this whole other aspect to it.  I’m sure you’ve heard horror stories, and you’ve heard about people who didn’t have a good time, and you’ve heard about people who felt left out, hell, someone even created a freakin’ website about it.

BUT, that was NOT AT ALL the experience I had.  Not one time did I feel ostracized, on the outs, unwelcome or any other form of uncomfortable.  It sounds stupid, but the entire weekend was one big freakin’ Sisterhood of the Traveling Bloggers for me.  I made friends that I have NO DOUBT I will be connected to for YEARS to come.  I made connections with people that I’ve “known” online for months.  I put faces to names.  I put voices to the words I read.  I made FRIENDS.  I made connections with people.  I felt welcomed.  It was amazing.  And inspiring. 

And the part that blew me away?!  The part I’m still reeling from?!  Is the fact that several people have said that they want to leave Alltop to come back to AllMediocre because they miss the sense of community we provide.   The sense of community YOU provide. 

So, Thank You, my online friends.  And if you weren’t there this year, I’ll look forward to seeing you next year. 

Oh!  And my photos can be found here.

*And a special thanks to Grandma Pam for keeping my kids entertained so that I could get this damn thing written!*

I know you’re all excitedly awaiting my BlogHer post, and I promise that it’s coming. But we’ve had a new development today in the life of the G-wine Posse and it’s taking up all of my brain space right now. Except for the part of my brain that’s thinking “Holy shit, it’s only 11:30 in the morning and I’m ready for a fucking huge drink.” But that’s related to this new development, so, I guess technically it is ALL about Baby Zach.

Some background: When I got to Grandmaother’s on Sunday I was watching him crawl around, and occasionally when he would look at me it would seem as though one of his eyes was turning in, other times it would look like they were starting to cross. And, of course, being the rational person that I am, I totally freaked out and convinced myself that there was something horribly wrong with him. Grandmaother concurred that there was something strange going on with his eyes, but assured me that he had not been dropped on his head while on her watch.

This is what I was seeing:

So first thing Monday morning, I logged onto Infantsee.org and scheduled a free eye exam for him. (If you’re not already aware, Infantsee is a program that offers free eye exams to children between the ages of 6 & 12 months. The thought being that if there IS in fact a vision problem, if it’s caught early enough it will be less likely to cause lifelong problems.) Luckily, there was a local Doctor who had an available appointment this morning. So, I packed the boys up and drove over there. At first the Doctor didn’t see what I was talking about. And he was nicely telling me that occasionally if they can’t focus on something right away their eyes will cross or blah blah blah…but then he saw it too.

So he put drops in his eyes to dilate them and spent the next 30 minutes trying desperately to get Zach to cooperate and look patiently at the light he was shining in his eyes while putting an array of lenses in front of him. Zach would have NONE of it. So we’re going back on Thursday with a rested and happy baby and the Doctor is going to purchase a TV with a DVD player so Zach can watch some cartoons while he’s being examined. From what he could tell, Zach is INCREDIBLY farsighted and will require glasses with a REALLY THICK lens to correct it. I put the stress on “really thick” because that’s how the Dr. said it to me. And now all I can picture is this:

*Courtesy of Google Images

And I know that in the grand scheme of things this is stupid and little and totally not important. That there are parents out there who would KILL to trade places with me. I know that it’s petty and shallow, but I keep thinking about his beautiful blue eyes and that they’re going to have to be hidden behind super thick lenses and it kills me. It makes me sad to think that for some time now (who knows how long?!) he hasn’t been able to see things clearly. That the close up world is blurry to him. I feel as though I’ve somehow failed him. And I know that there’s nothing I could have done about it. And by finding out now and taking care of it we’re helping him in the long run. But…

Anyhow, I’ve got a call in to my Family Doctor so I can get his opinion and I’m most likely going to get an appointment with a pediatric ophthalmologist to get another opinion.  Because, you know, if I’m going to take advantage of his health insurance, I’m REALLY going to take advantage of it! 

So my beautiful, sweet, funny, outgoing, active little boy will look like this now:

Or this, if I go with the blue ones:

And I will love his just as dearly.  Maybe even a little bit more. 

And YOU will love him just as dearly, or maybe even a bit more, when you see him “blow” kisses. And yes, it does look like he’s giving a big “F-You” but I assure you he’s not. I think.

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

I’m alive!  I survived!  I made it out of San Francisco yesterday and am sitting at the kitchen table at Grandmaother’s.  Zach and I are about to pack up and head home, but first we’re stopping to by see his Great Grandma Ann. 

So, you’re going to have to wait a bit longer to hear about my wild and crazy time at BlogHer ‘08.  Some of my mis-adventures include, but are NOT limited to:

• Setting my hair on fire
• Winning a laptop
• Being called a “dirty whore bitch” (or something of the sort) by a homeless man
• Ingesting copious amounts of alcohol
• Laughing so hard that I almost wet myself (courtesy of Moosh in Indy)
• Meeting so many amazing women (and man, or should I say “couple” because OMG, I LOVE his wife too.) that I can’t even BEGIN to figure out how I’m going to tell you about them all.  All I can say is that I’m going to be doing a whole bunch of linking. 
• Committing Zach to an arranged marriage.  I know that’s not technically the “thing” to do here, but I just couldn’t resist. 

I’ll leave you with that.  And until I can sit down and start writing about it, you’re just going to have to head over to AllMediocre and try to win some free stuff.  We’ve got some good shit to give away ALL WEEK LONG, so don’t miss out!   

Hi All!  I wanted to check in and say hi from BlogHer!  I’m having an AWESOME time so far.  Not that I think that’s going to change, so the “so far” is just to quantify that there’s still a WHOLE day and a half left! 

I’m currently sitting at the bar with a margarita w with JCK, Shannanb, Amy in Ohio, Moosh in Indy and Classy Chaos (who’s wearing flats and she smells DELICIOUS!), Headless Mom and Kellan. How jealous are you?

It’s pretty awesome, but if you’re not here (not at BlogHer, not NOT here at the bar right now) I’m missing you. And I’m sure you’re already starting to stash away money right now. At least I hope you are, because we definitely need to make sure we can all get together and drink hang out next year.  I’m not going to name names, but you know who you are! 

Okay…no more margaritas.

I had a whole post in my head (and half written - HI Big Waste of Time!) and then deleted it. It was going to be about how my life getting ready for BlogHer has become a real life Mastercard Commercial, and how I’m pretty sure I’ve purchased EVERY item that is currently available at Ann Taylor Loft. But then I decided that if you aren’t going to BlogHer you probably don’t give a rat’s ass and don’t want to hear about it, and if you ARE going to BlogHer, you’ll see me there and don’t care about it either.

So…here we are. I really don’t have much else to say except that I should be getting shit done because I hope to leave my house within the next two hours. But I’m not, I’m sitting here writing a post about nothing because I don’t know where to even begin.

I’ll be checking in with you while I’m in San Francisco. I have NO DOUBT that I’ll have some awesome stories to share. And photos. Lots & lots of photos.

Quart (my sister & a non-blogger) and Z will be taking care of AllMediocrewhile I’m gone, so be sure to check in over there and see what they’ve got going on. And remember that MONDAY kicks off the Great AllMediocre Giveaway of ‘08. Spread the word! I’m still looking for (and receiving!) items for the Giveaway, so let me know if you’ve got something you’d like to share!

Have a great few days and I’ll see you in, or from, San Francisco!

Because I’ve been so melancholy & complain-y lately, I thought I’d share with you a few things that make me smile.  And because after this post, I’m going to have trouble coming up with anything non-BlogHer related for a while.  Sorry in advance.

I think this may be the most adorable picture ever.  Really.  Like, in the history of pictures. I’ll wait for you to come back…

I was right, wasn’t I?

The other Megan, the one who doesn’t spell her name with an “h” and therefore, spells it incorrectly *ahem*, the one who writes Velveteen Mind…that girl?!  You know her?  She posted this the other day and it’s pretty freakin’ awesome.  Enjoy:

And how cute are these two?

And this is a harsh punishment, no?  I mean, really.  Kick them off the course or something, but that’s just mean. 

And this is for Quart:

 It’s really long, but if you’re a dedicated Friends fan you’ll enjoy it. 

And finally, a song.  DJ makes me listen to Bob & Tom in the morning on the drive to Santa Barbara and even though I bitch & complain, they’re really very funny.  I just hate the music of the station they’re syndicated on.  So, here’s one of my favorite songs from their show.  I think it’s very telling of what my life will be like in a few years.

My other favorite song I heard on Friday for the first time, and it’s about writer’s block, and I thought it was very blog appropriate, but I can’t seem to find it.  All in good time, I suppose.

One final thing…my very first Bloggy friend, Holly, seems to have left her 200th comment.  So, thanks Holly!  Mwah!

And now I’m off to be “productive.”  Or to at least act like it. 

Dear Guy,

You’re really starting to piss me off.  First, you come up with Alltop.  And THEN you kindly allow me to start my very own website that’s a total knock off.  And you’re even nice about it.  You’ve taken the time here and there to “tweet” us, which has upped our daily page views by a mere Gabillion percent on those days, and, I’m sure, has brought us new members.

But what’s really starting to irk me, or chap my ass (as AnyMommywould say), or get my goat, is the fact that you keep STEALING my bloggie friends. RIGHT. OUT. FROM. UNDER. ME. 

First it was …and hijinks ensued, Good & Crazy People and Balancing Insanity.  Then it was Send Chocolate.  And NOW you’ve really done it.  You’ve stolen my new friend, Merlot Mom.  That pushed me RIGHT OVER THE EDGE.

I was so looking forward to sharing her stories of pimping her house out to Best Buy and the antics of her crazy puppy.  She even participated in my One Word Meme Challenge.  The AllMediocre Shout Out was going to be heavy with Merlot Mom stories this week.

But you’ve gone and ruined that for EVERYONE.  Now I’m never going to be able to share Merlot Mom with the world because you’ve gone and added her to Alltop and as AllMediocre guidelines clearly state, you can’t be a member of both Alltop & AllMediocre. 

So, I had to kick her out.  And she thinks I’m going to be mad at HER about it.  But I’m not.  I blame it solely on you and you will have to face my wrath.  Watch out Guy.  I’m going to be in your neck of the woods next week and I’ve got it out for you.  I know where to find you. 

Now, I understand that the WHOLE POINT of AllMediocre was to up our member’s numbers and status and yadda yadda yadda get them onto Alltop, and that it’s not all about me.  But, whatever.  That whole strategy has gone out the window because I’ve developed a bit of a soft spot for “my” blogs and I hate to see them go.  It makes me a bit sad each time I get an email kindly explaining that they’re leaving “my” loser ass in the dust and hitting the big time with you and Alltop.  And I know it’s not personal.  I know it has nothing to do with ME, but I still feel a little, well, sad to see them go.

But, I know you’ll take care of them.  I know you’ll love them, honor them, and cherish them as much as I do.  And you’ll give them the recognition they deserve.  Because they’re awesome.  And they deserve for everyone to know that too.

So, for now, I suppose I’ll let go of my anger towards you and support you in your efforts to support them.  But just know…if you so even think of stealing AnyMommy, Z, MeL, Amy or, actually, any of them, I will track you down and…well, probably nothing because they’re awesome and I might as well come to terms with the fact that you’re going to steal them away from me someday anyway. 

To make it up to me, could you PLEASE give a shout out to the Great AllMediocre Giveaway of ‘08?! I know it’s not an IPod Touch, but it’s something!  Remember, we’re the land of Mediocre…

K, thanks.  You’re a peach. 

But I’m going to share them with you anyway:

1. I just realized I didn’t have an AllMediocre badge on my sidebar.  Hello?!
2. NO ONE called me on it.
3. My new flip flops just came from Ann Taylor Loft.
4. DHL rang the doorbell and I cringed.
5. The baby didn’t wake up.
6. I probably wouldn’t have cared.
7. New shoes!  Yay!
8. I’ve got some great stuff lined up for the Great AllMediocre Giveaway of ‘08!
9. I made a button for it.
10. 
11. The code is over there to the left if you want to help me advertise.  And why wouldn’t you?
12. I can’t figure out why the code box is so big.
13. Want to rip my hair out.
14. The Great AllMediocre Giveaway of ‘08 is open to everyone, mediocre or not, blogger or not.
15. I got new glasses yesterday. 
16. From Costco. 
17. $57.00 for scratch resistant & anti-reflective lenses.
18. I ordered more cards to take to BlogHer.
19. I feel like a dork ordering “business” cards for BlogHer.
20. Also have 500 “Mediocre is the new black” buttons to hand out.
21. I’m thinking in a southern accent right now because I’m listening to southerners talk on TV.
22. Am a Dork.
23. Am out of wine.
24. How do I let that happen?
25. Zach has a new tooth up top.
26. Zach figured out how to grind his teeth.
27. Hate that sound.
28. Can’t decide what to make for dinner tonight.
29. Want something with cheese.
30. Oh!  I have white wine.
31. Silly me.
32. Poor, overlooked white wine.
33. Boys are sleeping and I’m blogging.
34. Need to put laundry away. 
35. Probably won’t.
36. Need to Swiffer. 
37. Probably won’t.