Dear Grandma’s:

I’m entrusting you with my children this coming week.  And, as I’ve mentioned previously, I’m a nervous wreck about it.  Not because I don’t trust in your abilities to care and provide for them.  Because I do (really!).  But because, as you’re both well aware, I don’t leave them all that often.  Uh, like, ever, really.

There was that time in January that we spent in Palm Springs.  I didn’t sleep well.  There was also BlogHer weekend in July.  Although while I was on that trip, the boys were separated, so you were one on one, as opposed to having to watch both of them TOGETHER.

So here we go with some tips and tricks that will hopefully make your time with the boys easier.

  • If Zach starts crying and Dylan immediately says “I said I’m sorry!  But I said I’m sorry!  It was uh accident.”  It was NOT uh accident.
  • No matter what Dylan says, how many times he says “Pleaaeease?”, or how badly he insists he “needs” it, please do not allow him to have chocolate milk more than once a day.  And really, he doesn’t get it every day, so even giving it to him once a day is treat enough.
  • Be ever aware of the fact that Zach is part monkey.  If he THINKS he can climb it, he will.  And more often than not, he gets himself into a precarious situation from which you will need to save him.
  • Dylan lies.  I don’t know where he learned it, but he’s working on mastering it.  Be aware.
  • Speaking of lying, he DOES NOT get a bunch of candy every time he poops on the potty.  One mini gummy worm is plenty.
  • If he calls you into the room he’s in to “come see sumthin” try to figure out where his hands are before you approach.  If they’re “down there” chances are he’s going to try to show you his penis.  Please do not laugh.  You’ll only encourage this behavior and we’re trying to teach him that pulling it out and showing it to people is highly inappropriate.
  • If Zach cries, he’s either hurt or tired.  Those are really the only two reasons.
  • Or he might cry if you won’t give him the remote.  In which case he might also try to hit you.  This is also something we do not encourage.
  • If all else fails, Dylan will eat Dinosaur Chicken.
  • Zach will not.  But he will eat banana, peaches or cheese, so go with that.
  • Macaroni & Cheese is also a pretty safe bet for both of them.  There’s some Trader Joe’s brand in the freezer.
  • Pancakes are a big hit in the morning.
  • NO butter for Dylan (unless you want him to freak out), Syrup is okay
  • I don’t put Syrup on Zach’s.  He doesn’t know the difference, doesn’t need the sugar & will have it in his hair in a matter of seconds.
  • No matter what Dylan says, he is NOT allowed to put the key into the car’s ignition.  (see above re: lying)
  • Be prepared to hear “I want to do it mahself” over and over again.  From making his lunch to brushing his teeth to getting settled in his car seat.  Plan on having every chore take an extra minute or ten.
  • Zach will most likely melt down by 11am or Noon.  So plan your day around being home for a mid day nap.
  • If Zach’s glasses go missing, just ask Dylan.  He probably knows where they are.
  • If he doesn’t know where they are, tell him you’ll give him candy if he finds them.
  • That will serve two purposes.  You’ll find Zach’s glasses & Dylan will be busy for 5 – 10 minutes.
  • If Dylan refuses to eat dinner, don’t give him dessert until he eats.
  • Because then he’ll eat his dinner & won’t have a crazy sugar high afterwards.

And finally, DJ wants to add a warning.  Zach will get physically voilent if you have the audacity to eat something out of a bowl and not offer to share it with him.  This applies to ANYTHING, so be aware.

Good luck.  And don’t think I’m crazy if I call you constantly to check in.  I’m going to miss my babies something terrible.

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