As it was only appropriate that yesterday’s post be from Courtney, it’s doubly fitting that today’s post be from Amy.  She’s one of my dinner dates for tonight and she’s my girl.  Amy’s the first person I saw when I arrived at BlogHer in July.  And we spent pretty much the entire time together.  Even though I’m not as devastatingly tall as she thought I was going to be.

Amy’s on a quest to get healthy and lose some weight.  And she’s kicking it’s ass.  She shares some of that with us today, something she hasn’t shared before…the UGLY side of losing weight.  And she left out the swear words, which is funny, because if there’s ANY place on the web where you can feel at home using swear words, it’s here…

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Over at my normal web home and lately at Cincinnati Losers, I try to put a positive vibe on the topic du jour – my weight loss efforts. I want my posts to be real, but inspirational. I figure, what’s the point of clicking in to read a woman complain about her weight?  Yawn.

But since this is Meg’s blog and I’m on a hall pass from the norm, I’m gonna let all my negative thoughts and actions when it comes to weight loss flow like a river. I’m gonna fly the freak flag right here, right now.

We’ll call them the Weight Loss Confessions.  Just like Taxi Cab Confessions, but without the tranny hookers.

WLC #1
I despise exercise in all forms. Sure, you might have seen me twitter about finishing a walk and feeling proud – notice I never say I feel good? Yeah, cause I don’t. I hate it. I’m fairly confident I’m endorphin-free. Much like pigment (which I don’t have any of either), I was born sans endorphins. If any of you ever hear of endorphin replacement therapy, give me a ring.
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I have this walking cd, set to happy techno and Latin music with a woman (who I lovingly refer to as ‘skinny bitch’) talking to you, cheering you on to walking euphoria. A couple times during one of the walk-outs (isn’t she clever?) she tells her listeners: “Smile, don’t you feel great? You’re doing it!” Unless someone can prove to me that smiling will increase the caloric burn by 50%, she ain’t about to get a smile out of me.

I’m convinced that people who “love” exercise should probably be locked up for their own safety, and skinny bitch should be the first one in the cell.

WLC #2
I have threatened to divorce my husband because he ate the last item of a particular snack food. Uh, more than once. During my over-snacking days, I will sit at work and dream about eating those last ten Oreos in the bag or the final handful of tortilla chips and my favorite salsa. I look forward to them all day long only to discover that Doug (aka Satan) has packed those puppies away days ago. In his world it’s just ME ME ME.  You know what will send me into an emotional rage even more?
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Amy: You ate the rest of the Oreos? (tone: incredulous)

Doug: Like, three days ago. Why, did you want them? (tone: sarcastic and uncaring)

Amy: I didn’t have any of those. I would have like to have had a couple. Is that too much to ask? (tone: persecuted)

Doug: They sat around for a week, I figured you didn’t like them. (tone: irritated and uncaring)

Amy: How long have you known me? What eight years now? In that time you’ve seen me consume roughly 15 million Oreo cookies, but now suddenly today, you figured I just didn’t like them anymore? You know they are one of my favorite things and you’re just too selfish to care. It’s just ME ME ME in your little world.  (tone: utter and total disbelief)

Doug: Oh my goodness, I’ll go buy you some more freaking Oreos, lighten up. They’re just cookies for heaven’s sake. You’re a whack-job. Did you take your pill today?  Please note this is the PG version, in addition to being selfish, Doug also has a terrible potty mouth (tone: prick-ish and uncaring)

Amy: I know we can buy more Oreos! THAT’S NOT THE POINT. (blank stare from Doug) The point is that your were selfish and didn’t even consider my feelings before you shoved the whole bag in your mouth. It’s just ME ME ME in your little world. I know I already said that, I get flustered at this point in my argument as I begin to suffer from low blood sugar (tone: defeated, unloved, unappreciated)

Doug: Besides, I did you a favor, you’re not supposed to be eating those anyway. I thought you wanted to lose weight. (tone: suicidal)

Doug was then decapitated and scattered in the back yard. It was all very GoodFellas-ish.

WLC #3

I love my daughter. I would make any sacrifice to ensure she has the best life possible. A happy childhood for her is my number one priority.

Of course I should probably let you know that this love for her does not extend to sharing my mini-bag of 94% fat-free popcorn. I’m happy to offer her any number of other snack items. But no, what’s in Mommy’s bowl is spun-gold and the only thing she.ever.wants.to.eat.again.

Parker: Mommy, you like you popcorn?

Mommy: Yes I do, dear sweet child of mine.

Parker: Mommy, I like you popcorn too.

Mommy: Wouldn’t you like some cookies or pharmaceutical-grade cocaine instead?

Parker: No, I wanna you popcorn.

Mommy: What about some cash? Cold-hard American cash?

Parker: Mommy not a good sharer uh you popcorn.

Mommy: You’re right, hop up here and Mommy will share (the measly amount of joy she’s afforded each night) the bowl of popcorn.

Parker: Mommy, I like my popcorn.

(Murmured under Mommy’s breath: Sweet baby Jesus, it’s always ME ME ME with this kid)

Ah, it feels good to get those off my chest. Still love me?

We now return you to your regularly scheduled, positive programming.

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