AMomTwoBoys

The Universe has a way of giving me a swift kick in the ass right when I need it.

Remember when I found out that Zach needed glasses and I kind of freaked out a little?  Shortly thereafter my friend Hannah found out that her unborn son Andrew had bunk kidneys, might not survive, and if he did, he’d need a kidney transplant.  (To catch up on her story, go here).

HELLO?!  My kid needed GLASSES, not a new ORGAN.  *Perspective*

And then on Sunday I learned that Baby Emily had taken a turn for the worse and wasn’t going to make it.  That her parents had been forced to make the difficult decision to end her treatment and remove her breathing tube on Monday.  And I was heartbroken.  For her.  For her parents, for their family and friends.

And so, when I took Zach to his follow-up visit with the Ophthalmologist yesterday and found out he most likely needs surgery on his eye muscle, I didn’t, as would normally have been the case, freak out.  Because, in reality, it’s SO not a big deal.  Emily’s parents were saying goodbye to their daughter and I was being told that my perfectly healthy son needs a minor surgery on a muscle in his eye.  *Reality check*

And while I so wish these lessons weren’t possible, that Andrew didn’t need new kidneys and that Emily was running around and playing like my toddler is, they do make me appreciate my kids and my life.  And it makes me thankful that *all* I have to deal with is keeping glasses on an almost two year old and figuring out how to keep a 4 year old in bed at night.

I’m really incredibly lucky.  Even though I might not always realize it.

Remember just about this time last year when I introduced you to Baby Emily?

Sadly, her amazing, courageous battle with a brain tumor is coming to an end.

Please send her, her parents, family & friends all the love and positive thoughts you can muster.

I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be for them.

sssshhhhhhh….let’s not make a big deal out of it, for fear that I’ll jinx it.

If you’re wondering what in the hell I’m talking about, read this first.

SO – after yesterday’s plea for help and the awesome ideas I got from you all,  I started with setting aside the mini flashlight, as Sue suggested.

Only to have it mysteriously disappear RIGHT before bedtime.  Which was AWESOME.  I blame the Evil One.

Doesn’t he look pleased with himself?

I gave up looking for that and moved on to Step 2:

Which involved using, well, practically everybody’s advice. Which was to use “Monster Away” in a spray bottle.  Dylan was super excited about it.   He even helped me make it.  The only snag we hit was when he identified the lemon juice bottle as “lemonade” but I told him it was Monster Spray that has lemons IN IT, because monsters don’t like lemons.  He seemed okay with that.  *PHEW*

We mixed it up, and sprayed it in his room anywhere he thought monsters could get in.  Then we sprayed it in Zach’s room, the living room and on the door to the backyard.  He insisted on keeping the spray bottle by his bed.   I sure as hell wasn’t going to argue.

It *seemed* to work like a charm!  Because then….he went to sleep!  Except, I was up and in the living room, and the kitchen light was on…so that certainly helped his comfort level.

But it WAS a major step in the right direction.  I’m anxious to see what happens tonight or tomorrow or whenever the next night is that I don’t stay in the living room after he’s gone to bed.  That will be the true test.

SO, keep your fingers crossed for us.  And also, let’s hope that the Evil One doesn’t hide the Monster Away Spray.  That could spell disaster.

~And now I’ve got to find that damn flashlight~

HELP!!!!  I NEED HELP!!!!

Dylan hit four…and a whole new terrifying world opened up for him.

He can’t sleep anymore because he’s convinced that monsters, aliens and scarecrows are out to get him.  My sweet child, who used to go to bed so willingly, and sleep soundly throughout the night, now refuses to go to bed and gets up no less than three times.

It’s so sad to see him at night, completely freaked out about being in his room, and desperate to not be left alone.  Even with a night light, a 100lb. guard dog at the foot of his bed and NUMEROUS promises that we are only a few feet away.  I feel so bad for him, and I don’t know how to make it better.

What do I do???  I can’t figure out how to convince him that there aren’t scary things outside his room just waiting for a chance to come in.  I can’t find a way, short of letting him sleep in our bed, to get him to SLEEP.

Do I need to put 12 night lights in his room?  Do I need to buy a CD of soothing sounds to play at night while he sleeps?  Do I leave a Baby Einstein DVD playing at night?  Do I lock him in there? (kidding…kidding)

After the sleep issues we had a few weeks ago, I’ve GOT to get this figured out.  He’s tired.  I’m tired.

The only upside to this whole situation is that he hasn’t mentioned the rocket launch in a week or so…

So, please share your advice.  I’ll try anything.

This was in my inbox today:

*click it to enlarge*

And while I was VERY sad to hear that Engr. Jochen Kruger has passed, I’m SUPER DUPER EXCITED that he left ME all that money!

How incredibly generous of him.  May he rest in peace.

But back to me, because, OH, the things I could do with $30,100,000.00!

My favorite part is that he assures me that while it MAY sound strange and unbelievable, it is, in fact, real and true.

That’s all I need to hear.

I’m sold.  I’m totally emailing Barrister Marcus Andreen, Esq. back ASAP.

I think I need to install parental controls on my computer.

I’m pretty sure Dylan has been reading  The Bloggess.

Which would be cool, if he was 30 and I could pretend he has no idea what a vagina was.

But at 4, I don’t think he needs lessons on Coochy Shaving Cream or Giant Labias.

Maybe I’m just a prude.

Anyway, the other night he ended up in bed with us.

And I swear to fucking god he yelled out “SCARECROWS!” in his sleep.

And EVERYONE knows that scarecrows are pretty much the 4 year old equivalent to Wolverines.

So, The Bloggess will now be blocked to those who don’t know the password (which will be: “Squidvaginaone-eyed-pirates-named-Stevelabiabeaverflashasianneighbor“, which is thanks to Houston, in case you need to know it)

Because, really, I don’t want to have to deal with explaining fisting to my preschooler.

Under the Sea!  100% cotton blanket in fun mix of greens, blues & yellows.  Reminds me of all the colors of the ocean!  Incredibly soft and cuddly.  This isn’t your grandma’s baby blanket!  Only for the fun at heart!

I’ve been having issues sleeping lately.

You know that old saying, “If it’s not one thing it’s another”?  Well that totally holds true for me right now.  TOTALLY.

It all started when Dylan was sick a few weeks ago.  He woke up throughout the night and, as four year olds are wont to do, made sure I was awake too. Usually it was just that he needed some water, or to use the bathroom.  He’d be back asleep in a jiffy.

Me?  I’d lie awake for HOURS worrying about all kinds of crazy shit.  Everything from finances, sick kids, whether I’d locked my car or rolled my windows up, was the cat inside?, did I pay the car insurance?, will Meredith and Derek ever end up happy and together?…you get the idea.

It didn’t matter whether I had any reason to actually worry about any of that.  In the middle of the night…I. JUST. DO.

Then Dylan got healthy and started sleeping through the night again. And so did I.

Then Zach got sick.  And started waking up four or five times a night.  The poor little fucker was miserable.  And so was I.  The vicious cycle started all over again.

I was TIRED.  TIRED, I say.

And then Zach got well and started sleeping through the night again.  And so did I.

And then DJ got sick.  And started snoring like an overweight truck driver after a night with a bottle of scotch and a cheap hooker*.

And, once again, I found myself awake.  Lying in bed, unable to sleep.  The weight of the world on my shoulders.

And now everyone is healthy-ish.

And last night?

I was woken up approximately 438 times.  Dylan was cold.  Dylan needed water.  DJ came to bed late and woke me when he came in. Dylan had to use the potty.  Zach woke up screaming like a red-eyed monster was pulling out his toenails.  Etc., Etc., Etc.

And each time?  I’d lie in bed for a long while afterwards thinking about…crap.

My family hates me.

They’re trying to kill me by slowly depriving me of sleep.

And I’m too tired to care.

*Not that we have any REAL experience with bottles of scotch & cheap hookers.

Happy Birthday, Dylan!

I love you to the moon and back.

(and what the fuck happened to the last four years? I demand a recount…)

I have a shit load of crap to get done today.

I was thinking I’d make myself a list of what I need to do, so that I could check things off as I go to make myself feel better and then I *maybe* wouldn’t forget a bunch of stuff.  I’ll probably still forget stuff.

But then I thought, why not do a Bullet Type List on your blog!?  People LOVE that!

So here you go,  Today’s To-Do List:

• Pick up Toys
• Vacuum
• Figure out why vacuum doesn’t work as well as it should
• Apologize to it for the insane amount of dog hair it is required to inhale
• Try to convince DJ we need another dog
• THIS dog
• Yes, for real
• Try to convince DJ we need another vacuum (Dyson can you hear me?)
• Help DJ install the toilet in boy’s bathroom
• Help DJ install the lighting in boy’s bathroom
• Take pictures of boy’s bathroom to share with all of you (you’re welcome)
• Empty dishwasher
• Load Dishwasher
• Get another cup of coffee from my Keurig
• Wipe Zach’s  nose
• Change the sheets on our bed
• Clean Dylan’s room
• Do Dylan’s laundry
• Do Zach’s laundry
• Do DJ’s laundry
• Do my laundry
• Wipe Zach’s nose
• Swiffer the floor
• Swiffer wet mop the floor
• Make a list of what I need for Dylan’s Birthday Party
• Figure out how I’m going to pay for what I need for Dylan’s Birthday Party
• Convince Dylan that a Baseball themed birthday cake from Costco is JUST as awesome as a Dinosaur cake from the local Bakery
• Actually, it’s even MORE awesome because it costs half as much
• Find the cord for my little camera so I can transfer the videos that I made of the boys the other night
• Upload videos of the boys
• Upload pictures from my camera and add to my Kodak Gallery site
• PICK UP TOYS
• Throw crap away
• Write a Review (or four)
• DISINFECT every surface of the house
• Celebrate that we FINALLY have a house with TWO working toilets again!  (hopefully this will happen)
• Sit outside on the patio and enjoy the sunshine and semi-warmth
• Watch this video, OVER & OVER & OVER again
• Write a letter to Comcast complaining, ONCE AGAIN, that I don’t have MSNBC
• Go to the grocery store.  For food and stuff
• Tell Dylan that NO, he can NOT have another piece of cheese
• Find & throw away the wrappers from the pieces of cheese he sneaks
• Tell him he REALLY needs to stop sneaking cheese
• Drink.
• Go to bed to wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.

I’m pretty sure I’ve already forgotten a bunch of crap.  Hopefully it will come to me at some point.  But  for now, I’m going to go grab another cup of coffee and enjoy the fact that the boys are STILL SLEEPING.

Although now that I’ve typed that, I’m sure they’ll be awake shortly.