AMomTwoBoys

Three weeks ago tomorrow, at 6:57pm, the world turned upside down.  Maybe not for everybody.  Maybe not even for you.  But for many of us.

For Heather and Mike especially.

I immediately went into planning mode.  Into protective mode.  Into active mode.  Into friend mode.  I haven’t stopped in three weeks.

Because I know that when I do, my facade will come crashing down.  My strong front.

The tears will come.  And I fear they won’t ever stop.

I will cry for a little girl lost.  The beautiful one with the devastatingly gorgeous curls, the captivating blue eyes, the smile that could light up a room.  The little girl that was going to be my daughter-in-law.  At the very least, my son’s best friend.  Just as close as her mom and I are.

I will cry for her parents.  Because I love them as if they were my very own family.  Because I can imagine the pain they’re feeling.  But because I really can’t even fathom the pain they’re feeling.

I will cry because all of you have wrapped your arms around them.  Have embraced them, have shown them a love I didn’t really even know was possible.  Because you have restored my faith in humanity.

But not my faith in the Universe.  The Universe is an asshole.  A downright, out and out asshole.

But this little girl, she will forever be in my thoughts.  In my heart.  In my life.  Maybe not in the way I’d hoped.  But there still.

I love you Heather and Mike.  I’m here for you.  Always.

*I hesitated to hit publish.  Because I don’t want to, even for a second, make this about me.  Because it’s not about me.  Not even for a moment.  Not even a little bit.*

**Updated:  I disabled comments. I love, adore and cherish each and every one of you.  But your kind words are really too much for me to handle right now.  I hope you understand. xoxo**

Heather wrote yesterday about the many comments and emails she and Mike have received from people in the last two weeks.  About how a lot of them started with “You don’t know me” or “We’ve never met” or “Until this week, I’d never read your blog or heard of Maddie, but I’m heartbroken over your loss”.

I’ve been getting a lot of emails like that as well.

Emails from people who don’t want to reach out directly to Mike and Heather right now.  Emails from people who’ve shared in Maddie’s life and have grieved right along with them over her loss.  Emails from people whose lives are irrevocably changed by the amazing life of one little girl.

Emails like this one.

It was in my inbox this morning when I checked it at 5:30.  I immediately emailed the sender, K,  back and asked if I could share it with Heather, Mike and all of you.  She said yes.  That she’s “touched and humbled” and that she hopes it “helps keep Maddie in everyone’s thoughts.”

I’m a reader; an avid blog reader. I’m a bit too timid or self conscious to develop my own space I suppose? Worried I’d never have the right content or commitment to keep it up. So…I read instead. Through that reading, I’ve quietly (except when I comment) gotten to know so many… strangers. People that for the most part have no clue that I’m reading and getting to know them, but these people are an important part of my day, my thoughts, my values and ultimately – my life. I’ve always wanted to be a greater part of the blogging community and never did I feel more strongly about that as I have in the past couple of weeks.


I’m just another faceless person, miles away… a person who without blogs and twitter would never have heard of Maddie. I’d never have seen her sweet face in pictures or heard her giggle in movie clips. I wouldn’t have heard of her tragic death and I certainly would not have cried and sobbed for her parents with real palpable grief. I wouldn’t have a purple avatar on Twitter, wouldn’t have worn or dressed my own child in purple, or thought of sweet Madeline every.single.time. I saw the color purple since the day she died. I also wouldn’t have donated to the March of Dimes. More than all of this though, it’s important to note that no matter how much I have been affected by Maddie, it’s not just because her family shared her beautiful life online; it’s all because of the radiant light she exuded. It’s Maddie’s incredible power to change the world that had me gripped; that still has me gripped and leaves me wanting to do more. Madeline Alice Spohr was an angel among us and I am forever grateful to have known know her.


I have a pretty horrible panic disorder. Couple that with agoraphobia and depression and you have someone that struggles a lot with just about anything. I am much better than I was 10 years ago, but I still have some pretty crippling phobias. One of which is exercise. I won’t bore you with the details, but essentially because of my panic attacks, I can’t tolerate my heart rate accelerating much past normal so, I avoid exercise at all costs. So you see, “walking for Maddie” has a whole new meaning for me. I don’t know that I’m ready to organize or join a MOD walk just yet, but I WILL. For now, a simple walk along the beach or in the park is immensely challenging for me. But I’m trying it now; every day. And I’m doing it FOR MADDIE. Because she can’t. She won’t ever be able to and it’s not fair to her to waste my ability to. Maddie has given me and so many others a new perspective and I for one will allow her to change my world for the better. It’s the least I can do.


One more thing… yesterday, I dedicated a tree in Maddie’s name. It was a very small gesture. Majesta is a paper products company that makes thinks like Kleenex/facial tissues (how very appropriate). As part of their environmental responsibility initiative, they’re planting 37,500 trees with Tree Canada in April. Go to Majesta.com for details if you like. Anyway, they are offering people the opportunity to dedicate a tree to people they care about and I instantly thought of Maddie. I happened to be the 859^th person to dedicate a tree. I’m a bit of a numerology geek – and 8+5+9 = 22 or 11/11. This gave me chills….



Please let Heather and Mike know I am honored to share their burden of grief. They’re incredible people and if my tears are tears they don’t have to shed, then I will gladly keep crying with them.

Thank you, K.  Thank you, everyone.

Everyone, including me, is wondering what they can possibly do for Mike and Heather.  I have a few suggestions.

To help them directly:

• Keep sending them notes and cardsto the mailbox set up for them.  They’re reading them ALL. *address below*
• Keep leaving comments of love and support on their sites.  They’re reading them ALL.
• Keep sending them tweets of love and support.  They’re reading them ALL.
• Check with Stefanie to see about sending them a meal in the weeks and months to come, or a gift card to a local restaurant.*
• Send them grocery (Ralph’s is closest), Target, Costco or Trader Joe’s gift cards.*
• Don’t be afraid to reach out.  Email, call, text, chat.  If they don’t feel like talking, they won’t.  But they’ll appreciate your effort.
• Talk about Maddie.  She was a beautiful, funny little girl.  If you write a post, link to it here.  They are being printed out and bound for Mike & Heather.  And, you guessed it, they’re reading them ALL.

***Edited 4/17 to add:  STAY PURPLE.  It’s the easiest thing to do, and it means a lot to Heather and Mike.  If you don’t want to stay purple forever, that’s fine and totally understandable, but please, please stay purple at least through 4/25 and the March for Maddie walk.  Please.***

To help them indirectly:

• Read this post and do what Kristen did.  It’s a perfect way to honor Maddie.  Heather’s NICU FAQ with a list of items can be found here.
• Walk in your local March for Babies walk, in honor of Maddie.
• If you knit or crochet, make hats, booties or blankets to be donated to your local NICU.  A long list of patterns can be found here.

Please, feel free to email me if you have any ideas or questions.  meghan(@)amomtwoboys(.)com.

Mike & Heather Spohr
11870 Santa Monica Blvd. #106-514
West Los Angeles, CA 90025

*Heather might possibly never speak to me again for these, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take if it means it makes their life easier in ANY way.

**Photo courtesy of Spohr family friend, Rebecca D.

I watch this video, I cry.

I read my email, I cry.

I think of Heather, I cry.

I watch the For Maddie Paypal fund grow in size, I cry.

I shop for a purple shirt to wear on Tuesday, I cry.

I watch as Twitter turns purple, I cry.

I watch the list of posts dedicated to Maddie grow and grow, I cry.

I look at the list of “internet” friends attending Maddie’s service, I cry.

I see Demi Moore’s, Soleil Moon Frye’s, Jimmy Fallon’s and Alyssa Milano’s mentions of Maddie on Twitter, I cry.

I watch this video, I cry.

I look through Heather’s Flickr stream at pages upon pages of pictures of Maddie.

And I smile.

***For more information, please visit the For Maddie page***

It literally physically hurts to have to say this, but the amazing, beautiful, joyful Madeline Spohr passed away today.

We love you, Maddie.  We always will.

I don’t have any details…I don’t have any words.

But my heart breaks for her parents, my wonderful, amazing friends Heather and Mike.

I’ll share more when I know more.

In the meantime, the amount of love that I’ve seen expressed today for Maddie, Heather, Mike and their family is truly amazing.  We may “just” be internet friends to some, but you’ve all proven tonight that there are no lengths to which we won’t go for each other.  It’s inspiring.

Thank you.  I know it makes a difference and I know Heather and Mike can feel it.

***

For further information, please visit the For Maddie page.

One more post about Zachary, and then I’ll shut the hell up about him.  For a while, at least. Maybe.

In the past few weeks, he has turned into this little bundle of energy with a zest for life.

Like, really, his picture should be next to it in the dictionary.   Like this:

The kid finds joy in EVERYTHING.  He’s like some sort of freaky grown-up who had a near death experience and has decided to totally change his outlook on life.   To live every minute to the fullest.  To find enjoyment in the tiniest of situations. To be super annoying to the people around them.

Take for instance, getting his diaper changed.  He sits down halfway across the room and laughs.  Then he scoots across the floor to me and giggles the entire way.

Or, on his way to the swings today, his heel got caught on the door frame and he took a nice sized chunk of skin off.  But that didn’t slow him down for long.  He realized that he’d be missing out on precious swinging time, so I had to go inside and get antiseptic and band-aids and clean up the blood WHILE he was swinging.

He laughs ALL DAY LONG.  And even when he’s being a complete and total pain in the ass, which is fairly often, I can’t help but laugh at him, because he’s enjoying himself so damn much.  How do you get mad at that?

It kind of freaks me out, because I often find myself wondering what he knows that I don’t.

But, he does make me smile a lot. Even when I want to strangle him. So that’s something.