In Which I’m Forced to Dig Into the Archives
I know I owe you an iPhone update, and it will come soon. I just don’t feel like WRITING anything today. Or yesterday. Or, probably, tomorrow. So, I’ll have it here…eventually. :0)
In the meantime, someone *special* told me yesterday that they like this post and that it makes them laugh. Since we could ALL use a good laugh right now, and given that so many of you are new here and haven’t seen it before, I thought I’d share it with you today.
Originally posted March 2, 2009.
How to Scare the Ever Loving Crap Out of Your Children in Three Easy Steps:
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Step 1:
Conveniently forget that your child has an unreasonable and all-consuming fear of the unknown AND loud noises.
It might be difficult to forget, especially seeing as this is how he spent last Fourth of July:
I’m not kidding you. He was like this all fucking day.
But, as the diligent parent you are, you should be able to put it out of your mind.
Once you’ve successfully completed Step 1 you’re ready to move on.
Step 2:
Excitedly tell your child that THERE’S A ROCKET LAUNCH TONIGHT!!!!
*All caps and extra exclamation points are entirely necessary to convey optimal excitement factor and importance of this historic event.*
You’re excited! A rocket launch! Your space loving child will ADORE getting up at 1:30 in the morning to watch the flame-filled Rocket hurtle towards space!
And the close proximity of the Air Force Base will guarantee you up-close and personal seats to this EXCITING event!
*Actual photo from the launch. Click the picture for the story*
It is important that when your child looks at you wide-eyed and says “But I don’t WANT to see a Rocket!” that you DO NOT back down.
Rationally blame it on the fact that it’s close to bedtime. They’re tired, confused, worn out from the long day of nose-picking and TV watching.
OF COURSE he would like to see a rocket launch! He’d love nothing more than to see a rocket launch!
*It is IMPERATIVE at this point that you don’t back down. Your goal is to scare the EVER LOVING CRAP out of your child. By now you’ve only slightly alarmed them.*
Step 3:
Go into further detail.
At this point, it’s your only option.
Clearly, your child is craving further explanation. He must not fully understand the details surrounding the rocket launch.
Explain that the rocket will be blasting into space carrying a camera! To take pictures of the Earth!
When your child is freaked out about WHO is on the rocket, and demands to know exactly WHAT person will be taking his picture from space, ignore the fact that his cute little under-developed brain is picturing a man in a rocket ship hovering outside his bedroom window with a camera.
Instead, and this is VERY important, make it even more terrifying by explaining that it’s not actually a man with a camera, but a ROBOT.
YES! A ROBOT in a ROCKET SHIP will be blasting off, VERY LOUDLY, from the NEARBY Air Force Base and will be taking pictures of you, WHILE YOU SLEEP, through your bedroom window!
Now, be sure to do all of this JUST before you tuck your little imp into bed.
*Program Complete*
And if that, my friends, doesn’t scare the ever loving crap out of your child AND guarantee you a third party in your bed for the duration of the night, thus ensuring a shitty night’s sleep, AMomTwoBoys will refund your money*.
And if you’re REALLY SUPER AWESOME, you’ll be so thoroughly exhausted after the night’s rib-jabbing co-sleeping event, you won’t even wake up to see the mother fucking rocket launch. It’s double the good times.
You. Are. Welcome.
*Unfortunately, no refunds will be given for the amount of time you spent reading this post.*
**And the rocket?! Totally fucking crashed. It was a big ole FAIL all around**
Related posts:
Blackneto on 14 May 2009 at 8:21 am #
I feel creepy posting on a blog mommy blog, but moms aint got nothing on daddy’s when it comes to freaking kids out.
If I may tell on myself.
first case:
From an early age my 4 have been convinced against all logic that there were older siblings whom i ate because we were going through rough financial times.
the oldest (13) may not believe this anymore but the rest still think i’m kidding, as they glance at me furtively.
second case:
I initiated a friendly slap fight contest with my son (8) a few months ago.
I convinced them if we continued that i would be arrested for child abuse and now he doesn’t retaliate when i jump him Kato style.
third case:
i trick them into letting me pull their loose teeth. it only works once but the shock is worth it. They don’t dilly dally wiggling loose teeth after that.
Okay only one of these stories is true, but you get the picture.
Blackneto.
Blacknetos last blog post..Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-05-10
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Stefanie on 14 May 2009 at 8:25 am #
This made me giggle! Hee hee, oh what fun to look forward to in the future with my nine month old.
Yay.
Stefanies last blog post..Wordless Wednesday-Ish
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Amazing Greis on 14 May 2009 at 9:13 am #
Loved the post way back when and still LOVE it today.
The picture from the 4th of July is freakin’ hilarious!
Amazing Greiss last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Stretching…
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Manic Mommy on 14 May 2009 at 10:04 am #
We keep joking that showing the boys any of the three LOTR movies, Return of the King in particular, would guarantee a permanent guest in the bed…and plenty of therapy. Orcs, anyone?
Manic Mommys last blog post..Excerpted from Gremlin’s Mother’s Day Project
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Andrea's Sweet Life on 14 May 2009 at 10:06 am #
YUP, still hilarious!
Andrea’s Sweet Lifes last blog post..Slumlords
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Bridget/queenofhaddock on 14 May 2009 at 12:17 pm #
Ha! I’m so glad you re-shared this. I wasn’t around the first time you posted it and it was just the thing I needed this afternoon! HA!
Bridget/queenofhaddocks last blog post..You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me
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papa-oomau-al on 14 May 2009 at 12:23 pm #
“Instead, and this is VERY important, make it even more terrifying by explaining that it’s not actually a man with a camera, but a ROBOT.”
One of the best posts EVER!
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Ali on 14 May 2009 at 4:43 pm #
Oh my. Love Love Love. And that’s all.
Alis last blog post..The Great Switch
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Becky on 14 May 2009 at 5:09 pm #
Bwahahahahaha!
Beckys last blog post..Better Than A Paint-By-Number Jesus
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Michele on 14 May 2009 at 6:52 pm #
Laughing out loud at this post – it’s hilarious. I SO see myself doing this to my boy. The pic of your son is freakin’ priceless. Poor guy. Fingers crossed this 4th of July is easier for him…and for you. The robot part? Still laughing at that as I type.
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jcgeerts on 14 May 2009 at 7:46 pm #
Too funny! that picture will be great on his wedding day.
jcgeertss last blog post..Rocking out
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JCK on 15 May 2009 at 8:47 pm #
I remember that picture! AAARGH….please don’t mention losing sleep, sleepless nights, etc. We’re on a good pattern over here. Finally…
JCKs last blog post..It is a temporal existence, all of it
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Lunasea on 16 May 2009 at 12:37 pm #
Hilarious! We had to give our kid noise-cancelling headphones and shut him in the car on July 4th, he was so freaked out. And that was just for the sparklers.
Lunaseas last blog post..Diminutive Mom Has Great Mother’s Day
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Joe on 19 May 2009 at 12:59 pm #
I can’t remember if I commented on the original post, as it was one of the first posts of yours that I read… If I didn’t, I wanted to make sure that you know it gave me LULZ when I read it.
Joes last blog post..Wordless Wednesday v. Bubbles
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merlotmom on 23 May 2009 at 7:57 pm #
That was hysterical! Thanks for the laugh. I needed it after watching “Rachel Getting Married”.
merlotmoms last blog post..Notes from the PMS Trenches
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