AMomTwoBoys

I think I’m coming out of my funk.  My mood started to lift last night.  Which may or may not have had something to do with finalizing Obama’s nomination.  OKAY, it had A LOT to do with it, but regardless of the reason, my spirits are improving.

Which can be proven by the fact that I FINALLY left the house today.  To do something productive.  Not that helping Hannah (go give her some love, they needed more surgery today and I haven’t heard any updates yet) isn’t productive, but it’s really more FUN than anything.  And yesterday I did take Zach to his 1 Year Well Baby exam (he passed with flying colors, and does NOT have TB).  But I haven’t been to the store to stock up on necessities in AGES.  Like, we were out of q-tips, toothpaste and deodorant. And I didn’t care enough to head to Target to get more.

I didn’t WANT to go to TARGET!  OMG!  I can’t believe I even just typed those words.  That shows you just how much of a funk I’ve been in.  But today?  I went to target.  At 9:30 in the morning.  AND, I’d showered first.  See?!  Funk lifting.

Except that I barely survived my trip.  It all started innocently enough.  We arrived, parked by the nursery entrance and headed inside.  We perused the flowers, grabbed some tomato stakes, oogled some 50% off outdoor furniture (but do I NEED a wooden rocker?), checked out the fork lift and headed inside.  From there, we made an immediate left turn to head to the toiletries section and filled up on our needs.

And then it all started to go downhill.  “Could the owner of a dark grey Chrysler Pacifica, License plate “*&(GGIR^” please come to the center dressing room?”  SHIT.  What could have POSSIBLY happened?  I know I didn’t have my lights on.  SHIT.  Turns out Dylan hadn’t closed his door and I hadn’t noticed.  Worker closed it for us, just wanted us to know…blah blah blah.  Great.  No harm, no foul.  If anyone wants to steal any of the crap in my car, they’re welcome to it.  My car seats?  At least their kids will be safely secured.  And I’m at Target for christsake, I can buy a new car seat.

Moving on, we continued with our shopping.  Zach, ever the rebel, decided it was time to do some cart gymnastics.  So he turned himself around in his seat, seat belt safely attached, and stood up.  All of this as I was intently studying the expiration dates on the Daisy Sour Cream  (Shut up.  I love me a dollop of Daisy).  SO, I turn around to find him standing up, facing backwards in the front seat of the cart.  Of course, as soon as I move to grab him (I was standing next to the cart) he makes a dive for the basket below.

But he’s strapped in.  So only the top half of him pitches forward.  The lower half is pinned to the front seat.  So he kind of jack-knifed over the seat back.  Which would have been distressing to any baby but him.  He thought it was AWESOME and immediately tried to do it again.

I decided it was time to go.  So we headed to the check out.  And that’s when I tried to BREAK MY LEG with the tomato plant stakes I purchased.  I literally jammed my thigh into them.  HARD.  Luckily, my thighs haven’t fully recovered from my most recent pregnancy (YES, he’s 1, bite me) and there was plenty of padding to help soften the blow.  But it hurt like a mother, and if I’d been at home (with my children, and not surrounded by strangers) I would have cursed like a sailor.  But I bit my lip and said, simply, “That’s going to leave a mark.”  To which the checker (who also happened to be the person who closed my car door) said “Ouch” and I’m sure thought “It IS true that anyone can procreate)”.

I paid for my purchases, gathered my children, attempted to regain my dignity and headed to the car.  I was bound and determined to get home as fast as was humanly possible, but, OF FUCKING COURSE, they were re-paving the entire god damned stretch of street I was on and didn’t bother to post that you couldn’t make a left turn.  NO LEFT TURN.  What The Fuck, Universe?

Anyway…I eventually made it home and now have a nice looking scratch and bruise on my leg.  And a slightly less funky attitude to share with you.  I know you’re relieved.  I am too.

I can’t come up with anything cohesive to write, so I figured I’d do another random, mumble jumble post and see how that goes.  Sorry if it’s annoying, but I figured I should post SOMETHING.

I’m going to start with a couple of posts that I’ve felt compelled to start, but haven’t been motivated to finish.  Mostly because they’re just snippets of thought that don’t warrant a whole post.  The original title will be in bold above the excerpt.  Enjoy.  Or not.  Whatever.

Memory Salad

I’m not sure about this post, or at the very least, the title.  It came to me in the middle of the night recently.  And it’s one of the many things I’ve thought of in the middle of the night, but pretty much the only thing I’ve remembered.  I’m cursed with a constant aching memory of that awesome thing I thought of, but now can’t remember.  As if my brain wants to somehow keep me, keep YOU, from knowing the actual awesomeness locked inside.

Deja vu.  That’s my real problem lately.  Sounds, smells, sights.  Everything reminds me of something from my past.  Some happy memory.  Which, I suppose, is better than an UNHAPPY memory.

The smell of cigar smoke?  My grandfather.  A ripped dollar bill?  A high school boyfriend.

The mention of the town where I was born elicits long lost memories of film images of a 2 year old me happily sledding down a slope in the park across the street from my house.  THAT brings a memory of a very young (maybe 1 1/2 year old) me standing at my screen door watching ash fall on my front yard as Mt. St. Helens erupts.  I can’t honestly say that I have a legitimate memory from back then, but in my mind it’s real.

The past, so much of it not anything that deserves to be remembered, weighs heavily on my lately.  What of their lives now will my boys remember?  The days spent giggling with glee over flying through the air on a swing?  Or Mommy being at her wit’s end and snapping at them over trivial shit?

Da’ Blahs

I got em. I got em BAD.

I’m in a funk and I can’t seem to shake myself out of it. I’m feeling stuck lately. Like, we’re not moving forward, we’re just kind of treading water. Our life is kind of on hold at this point and it’s starting to wear on us. Not on “us” as a couple, but on “us” as individual people.

I spend a ridiculous amount of time online looking for houses. Houses we can’t afford. Houses closer to Santa Barbara. Houses that wouldn’t require we drive an hour each way to get to the shop. Houses that wouldn’t require Dylan start kindergarten HERE. Houses with a nice big backyard, lots of room. CLOSETS. Houses that don’t require tons of work. Houses that don’t consume our weekends.

My baby turned one. He’s quickly becoming a boy. He still looks like a baby, and he certainly ACTS like a baby sometimes, but he’s becoming more…purposeful. I can see that he THINKS about his actions. And our reactions. He plays now…with purpose. His new favorite thing is to play “fetch” with himself. He’ll find a ball and throw it and then crawl after it and pick it up and throw it again. It’s adorable to watch, but it makes me realize he’s not my little baby boy anymore. It makes me a bit sad. But don’t worry, DJ. Not sad in the “I want to get knocked up so I’ll have another baby around” kinda way. At least not yet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

See…I’m in a FUNK. A funkity funk funk FUNK. I’ve also not been posting cause I’ve been BUSY. Busy working on internet things. Like Hannah’s site, which has turned out nicely. Go ahead and see for yourself. She’s been feverishly working on getting her back story online, so there are a bunch of posts to catch up on. Oh, and when you’re there and you’re wondering, it’s pronounced “shmite”. You’ll know what I’m talking about.

And I’ve also been working on getting my brand spanking new review blog up. It’s big unveiling will be September 1st. Which is MONDAY, in case you’re not keeping track. And just wait until you learn the details. It’s pretty awesome. Even if I do say so myself. I’ve got a kick ass partner, and we’ve got some kick ass stuff to review. And we haven’t even LAUNCHED yet, so I’m really excited about what we’ll have in the coming months…but you’ll learn about all of that on the 1st. Monday. Four days from now.

And Mama & Papa Spohr are coming up to hang out with us this weekend! We’re going to take Dylan out on the boat Sunday morning and then head out on the town with them after wards. They were invited to come along whale watching, but declined due to planned excessive drinking on Saturday not wanting to have to get up too early. Which is too bad for them, because it’s Blue Whale season and I plan on practically molesting one. Or not, because they’re, like, 100 feet long, and getting too close to one would FREAK me the fuck out. We’ll be sure to keep a respectable distance.

I hope you stayed awake enjoyed this random post. I’ll be back to my usual self soon. And don’t forget about NieNie day tomorrow (if you don’t follow AllMediocre, you can catch up here). The details are here. And also? Her Bad Mother’s nephew is sick. Really sick, and I can’t stop thinking about it. So sad. So, if you haven’t already, head over and send them some love, k? Thanks.

Dear CalTrans:

You can SUCK IT. I understand that enlarging the freeway that runs behind our house is TOTALLY necessary, given the traffic congestion that this area NEVER experiences. I mean, I get it. The only time there’s EVER been traffic is if there’s an accident, which is pretty damn rare, and that third lane will TOTALLY solve that problem.

So THANK YOU, CalTrans for waking my ass up at 11:15pm last night and keeping me up until 1:00am with that jack-hammering you were doing. And ALSO?! Thanks SO MUCH for making sure you woke Dylan up too. Now THAT’S helpful.

Love,
Meghan

~~~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Coffee:

Maybe I’m confused. The name of your company is “Mr. COFFEE”, isn’t it? As in “we make COFFEE related products”? As in, I should be able to ASSUME that if I buy an $80.00 coffee maker that carries your name that it will ACTUALLY WORK CORRECTLY? As in, BREW coffee? And if it’s not too much, when you actually DO brew coffee, could you please figure out a way to make it HOT instead of luke warm? I know that’s a lot to ask, but I have faith that you an make it happen.

I’m not sure WHY I have faith that you can make it happen, given the fact that this coffee maker replaced another Mr. Coffee model that was less than reliable. You’d think I’d have learned my lesson.

Love,
Meghan
PS- I’m starting a product review blog, so if you’d like me to give you another chance, please feel free to send me a coffee maker to review. Preferably one that actually WORKS. You can reach me at Meghan(@)amomtwoboys(.)com.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dylan:

I realize that you’re three and you have a lot of new things going on in your life right now. And somehow you’ve developed the idea that you’re a 13 year old girl, as far as your attitude goes, so you must be pretty hormonal as well too. I mean, you’re probably about to get your period for the first time and that’s a big deal

But I’m here to tell you that if you continue to YELL & DEMAND things from me, in the manner in which you’ve been speaking to me lately, I’m going to tape your mouth shut with duct tape. Your dad’s an HVAC contractor. We have plenty of it around.

Love,
Mommy
PS - I love you to bits

~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Zach:

I know YOU’VE been through a lot lately. Although you’re almost one, you’re still a baby, and you’ve only had your new glasses for 5 days. You’re still getting used to wearing them and to being able to SEE things. BUT, if you continue to take them off and CHEW on them, I’m going to duct tape them to your face. Your dad’s an HVAC Contractor. We have plenty of it around.

Love,
Mommy
PS - I love you to pieces

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Child Protective Services:

I’m not really going to use Duct tape. I’ll probably try Scotch tape or masking tape first. Duct tape would be too hard to clean off of them.

I kid, I kid. Medical tape. I’ll use Medical tape.

Love,
Meghan

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dr. Laura:

You’re an ass. As I was FORCED into listening to your show last night I had to shake my head NUMEROUS times. But when you told the woman who was trying to figure out how to get her husband to spend more nights at home so he could spend time with his college bound son, that she needed to have sex with him, I almost fell out of my seat. Luckily I was wearing my seatbelt.

I’m not sure how HER having sex with her husband helps in HIM spending more time with his son. Maybe if you’d get your head out of your ass and actually LISTEN to the people who call you, instead of constantly interrupting, you could actually offer advice on what they’re calling about. I know it’s radical, but it’s just my opinion.

~Meghan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear DJ:

I know you think Dr. Laura is entertaining because she’s such a whack job, but PLEASE stop listening to her. You’re only inflating her already over-inflated discriminatory ego.

Love,
Meg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Our New Neighbors Who We’d Never Met:

Words can not express how AWESOME of you it was to come and help us move 4,220 pounds of rubber mulch. You just showed up, with gloves on, and started moving it from the front of our house to our back yard. With your THREE HIGH SCHOOL AGE CHILDREN. Who were sweet and well spoken and HELPFUL. You rock, my friends.

And now,  the boy’s new Swing Set area looks like this:

PLUS, I didn’t have to wheel another wheelbarrow full of the stuff UP my driveway.  I was getting hot.  And tired.  And cranky.  You may have saved my marriage.

Love,
Meghan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Self:

Please get your ass off the couch and ACTUALLY start cleaning. Grandmaother will be here on Friday afternoon and the rest of the family will be here on Saturday for Zach’s 1st Birthday party. You’ve got a lot of work to do before then. You can keep your computer on and check email & Twitter throughout the day. You can even take a break at some point to work on the list of internet related projects you’ve got to accomplish. But you NEED TO CLEAN. I know it’s not fun. I know it’s the bain of your existence. But it needs to be done. So go…get…go. NOW.

Love,
Yourself.
~~~~~

I suppose I should be going. I seem to be pretty bitchy today and I don’t want to piss myself off at myself anymore than I already have.

Random Friends Quote: “They don’t KNOW we know they know we know! And Joey you can’t say anything.”
“I couldn’t if I wanted to.”

Fonder?  Anxious?  Guilty?

Did you miss me?  It’s been a whopping FOUR days since my last post.  I’ve had absolutely nothing interesting to share with you since then.  No really, nothing.  Well, maybe a few things, but after talking about my Herpes scare, I was thoroughly enjoying seeing my post title scattered about the internet, so I figured I’d leave it there for a while.

I still really don’t have anything interesting to share with you, but there are a few random things rattling around in my brain, so I figure I’ll roll out every body’s favorite, The Random Bullet List!  Whoot!  Whoot!  Today’s episode is probably not going to be very interesting, so prepare yourselves now.  And please don’t unsubscribe.  I PROMISE I’ll come up with my usual witty, funny, totally entertaining stuff soon-ish.

• Did you notice my new addition to the sidebar?  BlogHer ads!  Let’s hope that I’m as popular as I *think* and that this will lead to scads and scads of dough being thrown my way.   And by dough I mean MOOLAH, CASHOLA, DOLLAHS and not pizza or bread dough.  Although if anyone wants to send any of that my way, I’d be more than happy to take it.  KThanks.
• Dylan got into Pre-School!  Cha!!!!  He’s starting next week when I’ll be joining him for the first two days, in an attempt to “transition” him to his new environment.  You know, since he’s NEVER even been with a babysitter and I’m going to be dropping his ass off in a structured school environment with 50 other children running rampant.  Apparently the staff thinks he might have some adjustment issues.
• When we visited his school for the first time yesterday he told me he wanted to stay and that he was fine with DJ and I leaving him there.  Keep your fingers crossed that that sort of positive attitude continues.
• Zach is still glasses-less.  I have my fingers crossed that they’ll be ready on Monday.  The poor kid is getting more and more cross-eyed by the day and it’s horribly pathetic to see.  I’ll try to get some pictures of it today to share with you.  So you can cringe and giggle right along with me.
• My computer is fixed!   There are still a few issues, but I at least have access to email now.  All 800+ unread emails.   HOLY HELL people.  Holy hell.  If you don’t hear from me for another 4 days it’s probably because I’ve crawled into a hole and died.
• I’m going to start a review blog, because I KNOW you all desperately want to know what I think about things.  Right?  Right?  Right?  Because I don’t give you enough opinions as it is now.
• I’m having trouble coming up with a catchy NAME for my review blog, so I’m opening that up to all of you.  Any ideas?  It needs to have an available URL, which makes it difficult and I’m trying for something a little more fun & fiesty than “AMomTwoBoysReviews.com”.  Grandmaother suggested “AMomTwoBoysBoosandReviews.”  I thought she meant “booze” which sounded AWESOME cause then the “thing” about it could be that I’m drinking while trying stuff out and writing about it.  I KNOW, right?!  But she meant “boos” which is not nearly as fun.
• *If you’re not an LA area blogger, this bullet point will probably not apply to you.  It might make you green with envy.  FYI*  I’m going to put together an LA Blogger get together.  One of my ideas is to coerce you all to come up to Santa Barbara for a day (I know, it’s torture).  We could get a limo type thing and go wine tasting.  Let me know if you’re interested.  And since that’s somewhat selfish, since you all live in LA and I don’t, we can also, or instead, put something together IN LA.  Thoughts?  Ideas?
• Zach’s 1st Birthday is on the 17th.  The party is on the 16th.  You’re all invited.  There will be liquor and Grandmaother and cake.
• On a final, more serious note, we’re going to discuss my friend Hannah.  HI Hannah!  Hannah is 29 weeks pregnant with baby Andrew.  Baby Andrew is already proving to be a stubborn little bugger and is causing Hannah ALL SORTS of grief.  He has a blockage in his urethra that is causing his bladder to back up and his amniotic fluid levels to drop.  She spent last week being taken care of by an amazing team of Doctors, Nurses and hospital staff in Los Angeles, as they decided the best course of action in keeping Baby Andrew a) unborn b) healthy.  Two very important aspects to any “29 weeker.”  She’s back home now awaiting some test results and has surgery tentatively scheduled for Wednesday.  At which time they’re going to attempt to insert a catheter into Baby Andrew’s bladder WITHOUT delivering him.  Yes.  That’s what I said.  SO, let’s throw the positive power of the internet behind Hannah & Baby Andrew and send some good thoughts their way.  For now Hannah’s happy to be home and on bed rest so she can catch up on her beloved General Hospital.  :0)  I’ll force her to read the comments, so tell her hello!
• AND, she’s been asked to be a part of a Discovery Health show about her situation, so tell her she absolutely MUST partake.  She’s adorable (and seriously feisty, so she’d be a HOOT to watch).  Her husband’s in the Air Force, their 3 year old daughter is GORGEOUS and they’d be the freakin’ cutest family EVER on TV.  For Reals.  Plus I’ll totally force my way into her hospital room when she finally does have Andrew (in another 7 weeks, fingers crossed!) and then I’LL get to be on TV too!  Not selfish at all.

And with that, I’m going to leave you.  It’s FIESTA! time in Santa Barbara, so we’re on our way BACK down there to drink hang out for the weekend.  Dylan is seriously excited to get to spend the night at Grandma Pam & Poppy’s house.   So is Tahoe.

Ole!

And I realize I’m blending idioms, or euphamisms, or whatever the hell you’d call those sayings (anyone?  anyone?).  I tried to wikipedia it, but I got so confused after about the third sentence that I gave up. 

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that this has been a LONG week.  The fact that I was exhausted (and maybe still hungover?) from being in San Francisco didn’t help, and it was just one thing after another ALL. WEEK. LONG.  Both good & bad. 

First let me start by saying THANK YOU to everyone who gave me a big virtual hug in regards to my post on Zach and his apparent eye problems.  There were a lot of tears this week, and a good bit of them were caused by your outpouring of support.  I love me some internets and you guys gave me great perspective.

We went to the Pediatric Ophthalmologist on Thursday morning, and he basically confirmed what the Optometrist had told us on Tuesday.  So, on Monday we’re heading over to an optical shop to pick out some nifty frames for baby Zach.  While the vain, superficial part of me wants to get him some cute little wire frames, the practical side of me, which is usually NOT very persuasive, realizes that I need to get him some sturdy (read: hard to break) plastic frames.  That look something like this:

So, until I’m comfortable enough to think that he won’t pull them off constantly, he’ll look something like this:

Which is much cuter and easier to deal with than what I was thinking he’d look like earlier in the week.  If you remember.  And while it still kills me everytime I think of covering up his beautiful blue eyes with glasses, especially of the uber thick, coke bottle variety lenses, I realize that it’s really what’s best for him.  Especially as his crossed eyes (or accomodative esotropia) seems to be getting worse as the week has progressed.  Glasses will completely correct that situation.  And let me tell you, it’s pretty pathetic.  Pretty freakin’ pathetic.

On top of all this, my computer crashed (NOT the one I won at BlogHer, which I’m typing on right now) so I haven’t had much access to email or pictures, or any of the information I had stored for the Great AllMediocre Giveaway of ‘08.  I don’t know if anyone has asked to be added to AM, or if anyone has emailed me at that address.  I can get, but not send, emails on my amomtwoboys account, so that’s something.  If you’ve emailed me and I haven’t responded, please don’t hold it against me.  If you’ve asked to be added to AM and haven’t been, don’t hold that against me either.  Nerds to the Rescue are supposed to come to my rescue on Monday and hopefully I’ll be back up and running.  In the meantime, if any of you can give me a lesson on setting up Outlook on two computers without totally fucking it up, I’d greatly appreciate it. 

AND, I have a RAGING sinus-y cold.  I’m not sure which one of you BlogHer bitches gave it to me, but if I ever figure it out I’m going to hunt you down and…I’m not sure what.  But it’s going to be BAD and you should be AFRAID.  Very afraid.  My nose is running, and completely stuffed at the same time, my eyes are watering, my head is stuffy…it’s very unpleasant.  And makes me very crabby.  And OH SO tired.  So very tired. 

On a good note, we got Dylan & Zach’s swingset finished today, which has produced MANY an excited giggle and shriek of joy from Dylan.  So that’s been fun.  I’d share photos and videos with you, but I don’t have this computer set up for that and frankly, I don’t feel like spending the time doing it.  I know you’re crushed.

I also got to make real life hang out plans with two of my new favorite people.  I’m sure you’re sick of hearing about them, which is stupid because they’re AWESOME, so I won’t tell you who it is…I’lljusttypethatit’stheSpohrsreallyfastandthenyouwon’tcare.  And I know you’re totally freakin’ jealous.  Bwah ha ha ha ha!

And!  We “won” a trip to Disneyland!  All we have to do to claim our “winnings” is attend an hour and a half long presentation.  For a timeshare.  It’s really AMAZING how lucky we are, isn’t it?  But we’re totally going to do it, because HELLO, free trip to DISNEYLAND!  How fun is that? 

Once again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your support this week.  I really can’t even begin to tell you how much it’s meant to me.  And you can bet your little asses that I’ll put a picture up as soon as Zach’s got his glasses. 

I had a whole post in my head (and half written - HI Big Waste of Time!) and then deleted it. It was going to be about how my life getting ready for BlogHer has become a real life Mastercard Commercial, and how I’m pretty sure I’ve purchased EVERY item that is currently available at Ann Taylor Loft. But then I decided that if you aren’t going to BlogHer you probably don’t give a rat’s ass and don’t want to hear about it, and if you ARE going to BlogHer, you’ll see me there and don’t care about it either.

So…here we are. I really don’t have much else to say except that I should be getting shit done because I hope to leave my house within the next two hours. But I’m not, I’m sitting here writing a post about nothing because I don’t know where to even begin.

I’ll be checking in with you while I’m in San Francisco. I have NO DOUBT that I’ll have some awesome stories to share. And photos. Lots & lots of photos.

Quart (my sister & a non-blogger) and Z will be taking care of AllMediocrewhile I’m gone, so be sure to check in over there and see what they’ve got going on. And remember that MONDAY kicks off the Great AllMediocre Giveaway of ‘08. Spread the word! I’m still looking for (and receiving!) items for the Giveaway, so let me know if you’ve got something you’d like to share!

Have a great few days and I’ll see you in, or from, San Francisco!

But I’m going to share them with you anyway:

1. I just realized I didn’t have an AllMediocre badge on my sidebar.  Hello?!
2. NO ONE called me on it.
3. My new flip flops just came from Ann Taylor Loft.
4. DHL rang the doorbell and I cringed.
5. The baby didn’t wake up.
6. I probably wouldn’t have cared.
7. New shoes!  Yay!
8. I’ve got some great stuff lined up for the Great AllMediocre Giveaway of ‘08!
9. I made a button for it.
10. 
11. The code is over there to the left if you want to help me advertise.  And why wouldn’t you?
12. I can’t figure out why the code box is so big.
13. Want to rip my hair out.
14. The Great AllMediocre Giveaway of ‘08 is open to everyone, mediocre or not, blogger or not.
15. I got new glasses yesterday. 
16. From Costco. 
17. $57.00 for scratch resistant & anti-reflective lenses.
18. I ordered more cards to take to BlogHer.
19. I feel like a dork ordering “business” cards for BlogHer.
20. Also have 500 “Mediocre is the new black” buttons to hand out.
21. I’m thinking in a southern accent right now because I’m listening to southerners talk on TV.
22. Am a Dork.
23. Am out of wine.
24. How do I let that happen?
25. Zach has a new tooth up top.
26. Zach figured out how to grind his teeth.
27. Hate that sound.
28. Can’t decide what to make for dinner tonight.
29. Want something with cheese.
30. Oh!  I have white wine.
31. Silly me.
32. Poor, overlooked white wine.
33. Boys are sleeping and I’m blogging.
34. Need to put laundry away. 
35. Probably won’t.
36. Need to Swiffer. 
37. Probably won’t.

A few random thoughts I’ve had recently, which leads to stream of consciousness:

• Are there animals that won’t eat the food they’re meant to eat?  Like, animal picky eaters?  Grizzly bears who don’t like salmon, or lions that don’t like gazelle? 
• Why, OH WHY? does Dylan like “Little Bill” so much?
• Is it weird that I  like Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch so much?
• WTF is wrong with Twitter?
• Why is it so difficult to put laundry away once I’ve washed, dried & folded it?
• I would have been a horrible pioneer wife.
• Remember the game “Oregon Trail”? 
• I loved that game.
• Is it REALLY that difficult to throw your garbage away?  There’s even a garbage bag ON THE FLOOR in the kitchen right now.  You don’t even have to open a freakin’ cabinet.
• I need a whole new wardrobe for BlogHer.
• No, I don’t.
• Yes, I do.
• And a few new bags AND some new shoes. 
• And maybe a new notebook, you know, to take notes.
• I love TJ Maxx.
• And Target.
• And Ann Taylor Loft.
• Why do people drive like such assholes?
• Why  not just get in the left hand turn lane if you KNOW you’re going to need to get over to the left IMMEDIATELY after turning?
• Yes, I DID just give you the finger and yell an obscentiy.  Thank you for returning it, you moron.
• Remember that time we were leaving a Yankee game in gridlock traffic and I had my window down and my dad decided not to let the scary looking guy in the beater car in on the Major Deegan and from two feet away from me he yelled obscentities at us?  That was fun.
• All together now: ”Yay for Run On Sentences!”
• Why did I lose three subscribers between Monday and now?
• I have so few to begin with, three is, like, almost 10%.  That’s a lot.
• If the damned dog doesn’t stop whining soon I’m going to have his vocal cords removed.
• If the damned dog doesn’t stop pacing soon I’m going to have his legs removed.
• Maybe the dog needs to pee.
• I need to pee.
• And get more iced tea.
• If fire season is this bad already, what does that mean for the rest of the summer?
• The new Goleta (Gap) fire (mentioned in the story above) is freakishly close to my in-laws house.
• What if they can’t come to my Fourth of July Party because their house burns down?
• Am I really more worried about my party than I am about their house burning down?
• Yes.
• But not really.
• Well, maybe a little.
• Will Dylan spend the entire day on Friday inside because he’s going to be scared shitless of all the fireworks?
• Probably.
• Will my sister-in-law be talking to us again and come to the party on Friday?
• Probably not.
• Why is Zach suddenly a shitty napper?
• Doesn’t he know that naps will put mommy him in a better mood?
• Dear Mayor of Goleta:  Maybe don’t say “Welcome to the City of Goleta!  We’re all very happy that you’re here!” when speaking at a news conference about a fire that threatens your town. 
• It makes you sound like an ass.
• How many more things can I come up with so that I don’t have to go clean the bathrooms?
• Did you all see that Nicole, of NY Girl Eats World, left a comment yesterday?!
• I love her even more now!
• Do you think I can track her down when I’m in NY in September? 
• That way I can meet her and the lovely Z!
• Did my children make a pact that they won’t sleep at the same time?
• Little shits.
• I came up with a new tag line last night.
• Now I can’t remember it.
• Damn it.
• Okay, I’m off to get the little one and figure out how to keep him contained and quiet while I clean the bathroom. 

Toodles, lovelies!

Did y’all see what happened here the other day? You prob’aly din’t. (I have NO IDEA why I just typed that sentence that way, I just felt like it.) Anyway, BOSSY left a comment. You know…BOSSY. I almost spit out my iced tea when I saw her name pop up. I haven’t been able to delete the email that says “Bossy has left a comment…” because it’s just. too. awesome. If you’re not sure who Bossy is, you don’t know what you’re missing. My sister, though, apparently knows who Bossy is.

As her comment on my recent post points out, and I quote: “That was pretty funny, but I still think I enjoyed Bossy’s reenactment of the Oprah/Cruise interview more . . . http://www.iambossy.com/i_am_bossy/2008/05/for-those-of-yo.html”

WHAT.EV, Biatch. In her defense she asked me yesterday if that was “In poor form” or something like that. As in “Should I NOT have linked to a blog that I think is funnier than yours on a day when you were attempting to post something funny?” Ya think? But, it IS a funny post and it IS Bossy, so I let it slide. Just this once.

In other commenting news, my idea for AllMediocre seems to be receiving a lot of support. And by a lot, I mean that half of you (the ones not already listed on Alltop) thought it was a GREAT idea. And one of you even offered to defect. I think you were just being nice, but I’ll take it anyway. I’ll have to put some thought into this whole crazy idea. You all thought I was being all tongue-in-cheek and self-deprecating…just you wait, my friends, just you wait. I’ve got plans…big plans.

AND, in other, “I’ve Got Plans, BIG Plans” news, did I mention that I’m not going to BlogHer and that it makes me shed a tear or two every time I think of it? Especially since it’s a hop, skip & a jump away for me? Gah! I have an idea for that as well. But it’s just an idea so far and if it ends up being just as expensive as actually going to BlogHer it won’t end up happening. And I want to go to the People’s Party, damn it. There’re going to be awesome people there. Damn. I hate missing out on a good party. Plans, people, I’ve got plans. Oh, and if any of you are driving up the 101 to get to San Francisco, you’re welcome to come over and hang out. Or use my bathroom, or whatever. I’ll even clean it for you.

Now for my questions:

1) Are you going to BlogHer?
2) If so, would you be willing to participate in a drinking game dedicated to me?
3) Do you read Dooce?
4) If so, you read this. If not, go read it. (I realize that’s not a question)
5) Did you see her on the Today Show today? Did you want to slap Kathy Lee too?
6) Do you ALWAYS want to slap Kathy Lee & today was no different?
7) I’m in need of song suggestions to add to my IPod. So…what 4 songs, in your opinion, can my IPod NOT live without? It’s heavy with Colbie Caillet and Leona Lewis. I need some music from peeps who’s first & last name start with different letters. You know, just to change it up a bit.

And I leave you with this video of Zach. He’s a mover and a shaker now and is quite determined to get at what ever toy (or TV remote) catches his eye. He also makes this really funny face when he’s excited and breathes really fast out of his nose, which makes a funny noise. It’s adorable and makes me want to nibble on his cheeks every time.

All righty, people. I’m weighing in on the whole Alltop, Sony, Johnson’s Baby Camp Hullabaloo. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you can probably skip down a few paragraph’s where I’ll fill you in on some other fascinating things going on in my life. Like how I’m TOTALLY famous thanks to The Bloggess. For real. But you’ll have to wait for that.

First: Alltop: I TOTALLY do NOT belong on that site. That’s not what Alltop is all about, it’s not for my blog, not for my 8, 10, 12 or 16 on a really good day, comment level. I get that. I totally do. It’s about the TOP blogs, the awesomest, most traffic’d, most visited, most commented, most loved blogs. I am not on that list. Fine. But, having said that, OF COURSE I’d love to be included. Listed with the likes of Playgroups Are No Place For Children, The Bloggess, Her Bad Mother, Plain Jane Mom, Girls Gone Child, Pioneer Woman, and other awesome ladies. Hello?! Who wouldn’t want to be included. Of course I feel a little left out. I’m sure a lot of you do. But, whatev. The people included have worked their asses off to get there. They network, comment, email, re-comment, re-email, re-network and do it all over and over again day after day. That’s not something I can commit myself to do, even if I wanted to. And I don’t. I open up my Reader every morning with much anticipation and as soon as I see the “78 Unread” I get a knot in my stomach and I start to feel the guilt. Holy shit! How am I going to thoughtfully read and comment on all of these posts. All of which I WANT to read, not skim, and come up with something intelligent and meaningful to say. How can I possibly do all that AND write something for my own blog. It. Just. Can’t. Happen. I’ve come to terms with that. I’m never going to be a “Big Blogger” because I just don’t write anything interesting enough have the time to dedicate to making it happen. Maybe I’ll start a website called “AllMediocre” and I can list to those of you who are like me. Anyone interested? Would I be infringing on some copyright thing? Is that offensive? Maybe I could convince The Bloggess to come up with a badge that reads something like “All Mediocre, Confirmation That I’m Just Okay” or “AllMediocre, All The Stuff That Does Suck” I’m just brainstorming here. Feel free to offer suggestions.

Second: Replying to comments. Another thing that fills me with dread and a sense of extreme Blog failure. Remember above when I told you that I can barely bring myself to look at the number of unread posts in my reader without suffering a severe case of hives? Responding to comments is something that causes severe ANGINA. I love you for reading, I love you for commenting. I REALLY REALLY REALLY DO. But the thought of having 30, 40, 50, 100 comments on ONE post gives me heartburn. How can anyone possibly respond to those comments? How do you keep a loyal readership without responding to comments? I feel like a bad mother if I don’t respond every single time a new person leaves me a comment. And I only get 12 (maybe) comments a post. I don’t think I could handle the stress of having a larger reader base.

Third: YES, I’m jealous I don’t get invited to Johnson’s Camp Baby and the Sony thing-y in LA. There, I said it. I’d LOVE to be included in shit like that. Who doesn’t like free trips, hanging out with awesome lady bloggers, free drinks, and TONS of coll free stuff? Duh. But, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I’m pretty sure I’m not the sort of influential blogger they’re looking for. And that’s fine. It’s FINE, I said. God. Stop effing bugging me about it. I said I was FINE!

****
Now on to other things going on in my life:

1) There is a caterpillar living on my basil plant in my kitchen. My basil plant is dying a slow, painful death. Dylan is attached to the caterpillar, so for the time being, that little fucker will NOT be dying a slow painful death. The Caterpiller, that is, not Dylan.

2) My kitchen cabinets now look like this:

Well, two of them anyway. For those of you not familiar with my kitchen, and/or organizational skills, trust me when I tell you that this is a VAST improvement.

4) Is anyone still with me?

5) Dylan just ate his first bowl of cereal “All by himself” If I hear the words “I can do it. All. by. my. self.” one more time I’m going to start ripping my hair out. For reals.

6) Do you want to know why I’m totally famous now? The Bloggess featured one of my posts on her Good Mom/Bad Mom Blog. Do you see it there? Go down…down….down…almost to the bottom? Good. Keep Going…down…down. There! Right there! “I Wasn’t This Crazy Before I Became A Mother”

7) Totally justified.