AMomTwoBoys

I fully intended on writing a post about my hormone problem to the musical beat of McHammer’s “You Can’t Touch This.” It would have been AWESOME but then I realized I’m not nearly as creative as I like to think, so I gave up on it. I also tried to come up with a song to go along with the WonderPets theme, but that didn’t work either. I only succeeded in getting the damn thing stuck in my head. AGAIN.

You’re Welcome.

Anyhoo, Zach’s amount of time spent on the boob is tapering off and my hormone levels are adjusting upwards accordingly. Fun for everyone. Especially DJ.

Which explains some of my recent posts and why, upon initially reading about Baby Emily, I was a blubbering, teary mess for a good while. And when I say a GOOD while, I mean MUCH longer than I would have been normally. And then, NO ONE commented on that post, and I thought I totally ticked everyone off for telling asking you to donate to her family and THEN it took a while for more than 2 of you to comment on my RECIPE post and I thought for SURE I’d pissed you guys off and then I got all high-schoolie and was like “OMG, nobody likes me and I’m such a loser and I have no friends and no one is going to ask me to the prom and OMG.” And then 2 more of you commented and Tootsie even gave me an award, which reminded me that Z had also give me an award and then I started to feel better but I was still not sure you all weren’t mad at me and then it got hot and I drank a glass of wine and I complained and then you commented and now I’m starting to feel better about myself. And THEN Holly gave me an award and I was all “OMG, I’m totally going to be PROM QUEEN because people like me so much!”

But I’m still hormonal. Could you tell?

And in case you’re wondering, Baby Emily is in Boston at Boston Children’s Hospital and the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, which is where Chris from Crazy Sexy Cancer is treated, so it can’t be a bad place for her to be. Also, I’ve been following this blog lately and she even linked to Emily’s story, so all the guilt I felt about bringing it to you has been washed away. To clarify, I didn’t feel guilty about bringing you the story, because it’s a desperate situation and her family needs help and I don’t feel bad about helping them get it. NOT. ONE. BIT. I’m not sure where the guilt part comes in. Probably because I HATE asking people for things. Apparently that holds true even if the things aren’t for me.

And now I must go because I’ve been blogging all morning and Zach has playgroup in half an hour and I haven’t even showered yet.

But First! Deadliest Catch premieres TONIGHT! TWO HOURS! Set your TIVO or DVR or whatever!

I just realized what an evolution my life has seen in the past few years, completely based on what programs I watch on TLC. I turned to that station and, much to my disgust (apparently, because I rolled my eyes and made a little “geack” sound before changing the channel) “A Wedding Story” was on. I have no interest in watching that schmaltzy, ooglie-googlie, gag me with a spoon crap* anymore.

In college it was “Trading Spaces”
Then, it became “A Wedding Story”
Then, I got married and it became “A Baby Story”
After that, it became “Bringing Home Baby”
Now? Now it’s a little of “Bringing Home Baby” and a lot of “Take Home Chef” and “What Not To Wear”

I wonder what it will be next?

I’ll probably have to start watching “The Secret Life of a Soccer Mom”

And, in other Discovery Networks news, me favoritest show evah**, Deadliest Catch, returns with new episodes on the 15th! Of April! In 12 Days! 2 Days after Quart’s Birthday! How awesome of a birthday present is that?!

And, this is just an awesome story. I like the fact that the Discovery Channel & The Associated Press are calling it “poop.”

*Have any of you watched any of the new gameshow “Moment of Truth”? It’s stupid. Anyway, we were watching it last night and the host was all “This next questions could potentially ruin your marriage. Are you sure you want to go ahead and continue to $100,000, with the possibility of ruining your marriage, or do you want to walk away now with $25,000?” And she was all “I’m going for it” and her husband was all nervous looking. Well, the question was “Have you ever regretted marrying your husband?” and she got all nervous looking and her husband was all nervous looking and swallowing and blinking his eyes all crazy and she’s all “Yes. Yes I have” and DJ and I are all “DUH. Hasn’t EVERYONE? How would confessing THAT ruin your marriage?” So, is that good that we were on the same page and in agreement (which doesn’t normally happen) or bad that we both admitted to having, at one time or another, regretted marrying the each other? We’re SO past the Honeymoon phase. Hmmmm….**

**Does using incorrect grammar and spelling make it, as I seem to think, seem more exciting and important? Kind of like ALL CAPS, italics or bold-ing something? If I’d said “MY FAVORITE SHOW EVER” instead of “Me favoritest show evah” would it have been more obvious that I LOVE ME SOME DEADLIEST CATCH?

OH! And no, I was not on drugs while typing yesterday’s post. I’d only had 1.5 cups of coffee, some Honeynut Cheerios with skim milk and some Trader Joe’s Greek Style Honey Yogurt. Got a problem with that? And since I’m pretty sure you’re going to ask after reading this, NO, I am not on drugs or hopped up on caffeine right now. I AM going to go pour myself a glass of wine. Right. Now.

Okay, so maybe “know” is a teeny, tiny stretch. Maybe I should have said I “know of” so many famous people.

Today for you, I have two confessions and also a double dose Tivo Alert. I know, I know. I spoil you. Truly.

So let’s get started.

1) I watch the Today Show. Every day. Except Monday & Friday because I leave the house before the show even begins, but every other day, including Saturday & Sunday, I watch it. And, I like it. Are you gasping? Turning away from your computer screen in horror? Before you shake your head and erase me from your Google Reader, let me give you a few “excepts”:

• I can’t stand Ann Curry
• Meredith Viera bugs me sometimes too. Not as much as from her “The View” days. But that’s another story all together and I’ll share that with you at another time.

A few reasons I like what I see:

• Tiki Barber

Okay, that’s just ONE reason, but it’s enough. And MORE than makes up for the uber-annoying Ann Curry and mildly-annoying Meredith Veira. Oh, and I like Giada DeLaurentis. And Natalie Moralis. And Lester Holt and David Gregory and Amy Roebuck.

And, the reason I know of famous people and am talking about The Today Show- Stefanie from Baby on Bored is going to be on the show this Tuesday! She’s been battling some major Post Partum Depression lately, following the early birth of her twins, but somehow still finds a way to be funny (she is a stand up comedian after all) and to promote her new book “Nap Time Is The New Happy Hour.” So yay for Stefanie!

2) I am obsessed like to watch the Food Network.

Like, ALL the damn time. Serisously. ALL. THE. TIME. Right now, even. Giada’s on (see above). I particulary like the regular joe, joe schmoe* shows. Like Food 911, Rescue Chef, Throwdown With Bobby Flay, or when they do the chef profiles. I watched them all. Did you know that Giada had a brother who died? Or that Sandra Lee is ridiculously rich** because she created all these crazy decorating things when she was younger? Or that her parents abandoned her and she was raised by her Grandmother but then had to raise her siblings herself so that’s where she got all her Semi-Homemade cooking ideas from? You’d know that if you’d watched the chef profile shows. You would. Really. You would.

Which brings me to another famous person I know of, Amalah, who in real life is known as Amy Storch. Did you know that? Did’ja? Did’ja?

Anyway, she and her husband were duped into being judges on Mother Fucking Throwdown with Bobby Flay***! I KNOW!!!! How awesome is that? Her husband, Jason, created and edits a food blog, aptly named DC Foodies.****

*Did any of you watch (a few years ago now) The Joe Schmo Show on Spike TV? It was a “reality show” that was completely staged except for this one guy who thought it was totally real. It was AWESOME. If you ever see it, watch it. You won’t be disappointed. I promise.
**This claim is unsubstantiated. The profile of Sandra Lee in no way said she was ridiculously rich, but it was inferred.
***This is not the ACTUAL title of the show. In reality, it’s called “Throwdown with Bobby Flay” but in this instance, Mother Fucking Throwdown with Bobby Flay works so much better.
****I could TOTALLY start my own blog, called Santa Maria Foodies, but I’ve actually seen lists where the top rated restaurants in my town were Applebee’s, Marie Callendr’s and Olive Garden, to name a few. Sad, isn’t it?

Have you ever bought anything from an infomercial? Like a juicer or a meat roasting contraption or soap? Or have you ever bought anything BECAUSE of an infomercial? Like, you were too embarassed to actually order it form the 800 number, so you logged on to the website or Amazon or EBay to purchase it, or snatched it up when you saw it at Target or the As Seen On TV Store? Or, have you ever jumped in your car and driven directly to the As Seen On TV Store for a specific item immediately after seeing it on TV?

I ask this because A) it’s Saturday morning and my TV is littered with “Paid Programming” and B) because I’m actually considering ordering something I’ve Seen On TV. Two things, actually.

First, I totally want to jump onto the “Bare Minerals” bandwagon. Really. I do. I’ve even figured out what shade I need to order (light to medium). My hope, as is the hope of any dope who’s ever fallen for the claims of an infomercial, is that it actually IS AS AWESOME AS THEY CLAIM. Will I end up with flawless looking skin? Will it make my skin glow and radiate and shine and reflect light and make me look downright awesome? Will it? Will it? Will it? Can you tell me? Will it?

Second, I want, no, I NEED, the Pancake Puffs pan. Hello?! Pepperoni Pizza Puffs? Meatball Sandwich Puffs? Pigs In A Blanket Puffs? Sign me up! Right. Now. I know, I know, I astound you with my gourmet sensibilities. But really, I want it. That shit is right up my alley. I wonder if you could stick mozzarella (or better yet, smoked mozzarella) tomato & basil in there? Are the possibilities really endless? Could I spend hours coming up with Puffs recipes and then come back to you to report on them? Then, you too could order a Pancake Puffs pan and join in on the fun! OMG! It could be a whole blog carnival thing. Like, every Tuesday (what day doesn’t have a gimmick attached to it yet? I can’t keep up) we could all come together and make some sort of puff recipe. Just kidding. That totally wouldn’t work, but that’s JUST HOW EXCITED I am about my impending perfectly palatable Pancake Puff pan purchase.

And, in the interest of full disclosure, the two things I’ve purchased from informercials are:
1) ProActiv as a zitty, oily skinned teen ager. It worked. I used it until about two years ago when I crossed my fingers and hoped that age and pregnancy had changed my skin enough that I would be able to survive without it. It had. Although I still keep some on hand Just. In. Case. Like, for when I develop a zit on my chin, which happend yesterday. Sweet. I’m 15 again.
2) Winsor Pilates. 20 minutes a day, three days a week?! Even I could do that. And, I’ll look like Daily Fuentes. Awesome. Sadly, the VHS tapes are stacked with all my other VHS tapes in the cabinet in my bedroom.

So, have you ever ordered something from an infomercial? Have you ever WANTED to order something from an Infomercial but didn’t? And, I didn’t even upon up the can of worms that is QVC, HSN or the best one EVER, Celebrity Shopping Network. And I had NO idea that ProActiv & Winsor Pilates would be the top two products on the CSN homepage until I just went there. Awesome. See how awesome I am?

Most importantly, though…Will Bare Minerals work for me? Will it?

Channeling His Inner Sig Hansen…

Ha Ha! He went from looking like Peter Boyle as a baby to looking like my favorite Crab Fishing Boat Captain on Deadliest Catch. Who will it be next?

OMG, people. I just watched Grey’s Anatomy. No time to type. I can’t waste time talking to you (I love you, though, I really do!). I’ve got to find my drill, and screws, and those molly thingies, and straps! Things to attach EVERY PIECE OF FURNITURE in this house to the wall. To the studs. To make sure nothing will fall over on my children. Oh, the horrors.

But first, a few more thoughts:

Derek, What the FRACK? He’s all “Oh, Meredith, I LOVE you, You’re the love of my life. I want to build a house and have babies with you and look at you all dreamy eyed for the rest of my life” and then the next day he’s all “Oh, Rose. Do you want to go out to dinner? Meredith? Meredith who?” WHAT THE FRACK. That’s annoying.

Are Erica & Callie going to become Lesbian Lovers? I’m just saying.

And most importantly, what the hell happened to Joe? He was a story line last season (speaking of gay lovers) and he’s no where to be seen so far this year. What the Hell?

Dude. Writers Guild, Schmiters Guild. They need me to whip that damn show back into shape.

AAK! I’m off to drill! And screw!

OMG…I’m going to scream. I spent this ENTIRE weekend getting caught up on October Road. SEVEN (7) hours of my time were spent sitting on my couch watching the ENTIRE first season and episode 1 of this season and do you know what?! The damn second episode didn’t tape on Monday night! It’s gone…my DVR has failed me.

Now I’m off to search the internet for recaps of the show.

THEN, I’ll clean. I promise.